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Life

2014

Its 2014. Time flew past me as if I was a dust particle dealt mercilessly by the stormy seasons; the harsh reality of my insignificance in this world struck me where it hurts the most. My heart? Nope. The reminiscent of physical pain is but an indulgence in the past, when I could actually feel something in this fragile organ that has long been broken and scattered by circumstances. My soul? I guess so. If the spiritual contentment of an insatiable desire to leave this godforsaken place I once called a home could actually be more than just a dream. My ambitions? Sad to say, at this exact moment, I have none. I used to have visions for the future. A happy life. A simple life. And at the very least a fulfilling life. My life is torture. I do not know why. But I am definitely unhappy. Unhappy about what? Actually I do not know. The complexity of the situation currently is that I am stuck in a system of life that is confined to me the moment I am born. I am blessed to have a complete family. But I am not blessed to love, or be loved. My parents have treated me well. I am in their debt. But do I love them? I do not know. Am I willing to die for them? Some people may call me heartless. But I trust myself to be as candid as possible. In the future that I have pictured in my dreams, they were certainly not included. But will I cry when they die? Definitely. Maybe I do love them after all. As they say love cannot be explained or justified through simple reasoning and words are definitely lacking in this aspect. Yet late at night when there is no one but my conscience and my consciousness accompanying me I have no answer to this rhetorical question. I can lie to the world, but I cannot lie to myself. A corny line from a typical movie scene depicts the emotional roller coaster residing within me. My sisters have been nothing but a pain since I could remember. Love is an understatement. So is hate. The period of hatred has already passed several years ago and emotional-wise I am deprived of feeling anything at all towards them. Occasionally the hatred resurfaces when the intention to deliberately attack me due to their lack of self-restraint on being decent human beings. However I have learned to let it pass as I can understand that they are just typical spoilt Singaporean girls. Don't get me wrong, some Singaporean girls are still plenty nice but they are the collection of all the vices that is possible in this world. Materialistic, overly-opinionated, lack of respect for themselves and for others, assertive that they belong to a certain class of human beings and therefore looks down on numerous types of people, and the list goes on till the depths of hell. Maybe I'm being plenty subjective. Maybe I should be the one being judged instead. But yet, how can one be judged if one has already lost the will to defend thyself? Honesty is the best policy, if only you are living in a world filled with rainbows and unicorn. Surrounded by liars everywhere in this world, honesty is never the policy as it never amounts to anything. An honest opinion is like a bottle cap whereas people are like the bottle. Nobody likes being screwed in the face...

Fly me to the moon.

Fly me to the moon
Let me swing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
...
In other words please be true...

In my whole life, I daresay I've watched thousand over movies. But movies that really resonates and reaches deep within your inner conscience are few and rare. I shall talk more on a recent production The Seven Psychopaths. It is a rather dark movie but it gives off a vibe that really touches on humanity issues. Like the Vietnamese Monk story. The Vietnamese monk was actually visualising a fictional background story where he was once a soldier in the Vietnam war with the Americans and during that period, the Americans had slaughtered his family and burned down his village. Seeking vengeance, he kidnapped a American prostitute and tied explosives to her. Just when he was about to blast the prostitute into smithereens at a US convention meeting, the prostitute shocked the Vietnamese monk with just one Vietnamese sentence. "Brother this wont bring us peace." When the monk regain his sense, the prostitute was actually a fellow monk trying to persuade him to give up self-immolation. Yet the Vietnamese monk just reply calmly. "It might" And then he burned to death. That was the best scene in the entire movie. The other stories are just as interesting but this scene just really gets me thinking. What is life really about? Do we really have a purpose for our existence? I am not a Christian. But recently, a good friend of mine is trying to expose me more on Christianity. I have to say I actually really like the idea. Not that I believe in God. But the beliefs and ideals behind the religion is really enlightening. The worst part that I don't really adore is the Anti-Christ. I don't really get the fact that to attain a ticket to heaven, one must believe in Christ or you're, well I can't put it in any other ways, fucked. So non-believers must be screwed and condemn to hell. I have personally met non-Christians are just as sincere and true to people and Christians, who by default should have been abiding by God's rule book "The Bible", that are mean and callous. So apparently everyone was born a sinner. So no matter what you do, you can only sin more and as long as you confess to a pastor God washes away your sin. This is utter... I just don't get this part. Why are everyone born sinners? Why can't everyone be non-sinners and when you do the crime, you pay the time? Don't get me wrong, I believe in second chances. But the fact that redemption is simply believing just sounds like the easy way out. What about philanthropist and charitable people who have give their all to mankind and society their entire lives? Are they to be condemn to hell just because they are non-Christians? I really appreciate the fact that Christianity should be more open-minded. I believe that sometimes, some Christians really think that they are superior to others, judging by the fact that they have God behind their back. It is because of this religious disparity in society, that I think leads to people questioning the authencity behind Christianity. I really like Christianity in some ways, but in other ways, it makes me just really dispirited. Lets just say that I agree to disagree, yet sometimes blindly agreeing is even more lacking in purpose than to disagree and to question. Life is just a play, and we are all actors. We control our destiny. But Christianity may change it that we are all chess pieces on a gigantic chess board called the Earth playing a game of life. And our fates are predestined from the start, whether should we be the Emperor, noble and royal, or perhaps a simple pawn, destined to forever serve under the Emperor and when the need arrives, to even die for the Emperor. We could be the rook, forever walking down the same route faithfully, or we could be the bishop, concepts and beliefs twisted, intentionally travelling diagonally. We could even be knights, limited movement to only certain spots, just like in life where we are bounded by limits, be it mentally or physically. This is not a rant on Christianity. Do no be offended Christians. This is just my personal opinion on life. Whether should we be bounded by a religion, or carefree as an atheist is to each his choice...

Memories From A Hopeless Heart. Second Encounter.

Memorable Incident 1 - Sister Trauma

When I was young, I had a considerably good relationship with my younger sister. I used to love to pinch her cheeks cause she was cute. My elder sister instead was a total bitch. Selfish her entire life. She influenced my younger sister to hate me as she gradually grew older and now I have nearly close to zero whatsoever interactions with both my sisters. Kinda like strangers living in the same house. Only tied by blood. But I was a bad brother. I cheated my sister alot of times and at times of rage hit her with intense amounts of force. I have always had a hard time containing my anger because I am not one to suffer in silence; I will burst and resort to drastic actions as proven at certain parts of my life. But she had done worse to me. To sum it up, I don't really know how but one day, things will change...

Memorable Incident 2 - Lonely Me

I used to be a miserable existence. I often stay at home the whole day just thinking of what to eat for breakfast, lunch and then dinner. Then I will start thinking of what to eat the next door. I have a fear of eating alone at public areas, yet when I do stuff like going off to play LAN alone at the moment I felt like I was having fun but when I look back at myself; I feel horribly sad for myself for being happy at for the simplest moments in life. The television was my best friend and I practically watched hours of retarded shows just to pass time.

I stopped writing because I just felt sad for myself. Like really really sad.

The Fateful Five...

It has been a fateful five years... To be honest, five years ago I didn't think that my life will end up this way. Another five years ago, ten years back to be exact I certainly didn't think that this is the life that I wanted for myself. Since I was young, I was actually a very shy and timid person. I was extremely low in my self esteem to the point that even eating in a public place alone prove to be a very challenging task. When I was 12, I was hurt. By a group of kids I regarded as my friends. Looking back I don't think that they really meant it. Maybe I myself was the one in fault. But one guy certainly betrayed my trust. In order to gain the affection of another certain classmate, this guy hacked into my email and started flirting with the girl I shall name X. As time goes by, my reputation is the class has inevitably gone bad to the point that I had a feeling that I was ostracised. I only found out about this matter five years later, which was 17. By then everything was too late already. I couldn't clear my name and the guy got off scot-free. But I sincerely think now, at 22 that it doesn't really matter, even though five years back I was livid. Maybe even if the guy didn't hack my email, it won't really affect the outcome as I will just be a Hi-Bye friend. A stepping stone as some will say or simply a familiar stranger in my classmates' lives. Then there was 17. For the first time then, I thought to myself. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I started accumulating talents. Dancing. Basketball. Singing. All of my passion just burst out, as if being suppressed for the previous five years as I was too shy to even try to attempt. I practise hard. I slim down in the process. I thought everything was going well. But atlas god has played a cruel joke on me. The more I try to chase after my dreams, my nightmare caught up with me instead. I started experiencing hair loss problems. Even my face was scarred badly by acne problems previously. When I was 12, I had a tuition classmate. She was a girl. She actually commented that I was good looking. That was actually a pretty happy moment in my life and I remember it even to this day. And then five years later I was going completely opposite in the direction that I was so composed on. These five years was simply hell for me. I was insulted, humiliated, even broken to the point that I just felt like smashing my face into the wall. I hated myself. I just want to scream so loud. People will be thinking up to this point that there will be a turning point in my life. Well, I also wanted my life to be a freaking fairytale. But reality smacks me deep in the face. If there's a god I will like to give a shout out to him. Why me? I know there are people in the world worse off than me but seriously, I don't want to give a fuck. Because honestly I am fucked. I had chances to actually experience love but I blew it. Because of the lack of confidence in me and afraid of being afraid of being judged, I bottled up all my feelings inside of me. Never was a day that went past without me just wanting to explode into a million pieces due to the overdue compressed emotions stomached within me. There were actually days when I wake up and I felt truly and terribly lonely. I had dreams, where I was just happily in love, happily doing my usual routines, happily being just a happy person. But that will never happen. I am condemned.I don't want to admit it. I refuse to acknowledged it. But I am just fucked. I hope the next entry that I write to myself to read will show that whatever I write now is just a spontaneous rant that will fade away for days to come. If not, I just want to say, F M L.

It still hurts.

5 years has passed alr.. Recently I've been thinking alot. What went wrong. How come my life has to be like this. Simple words can affect me so much. Anberlin's inevitable recently reconnects with me alot. With lyrics like "I wanna be ur last first kiss", "I wanna break every clock, the hands of time could never move again...", " We could stay in this moment for the rest of our lives...","Amazing how life turns out the way that it does...". Maybe there wasn't even anything in the first place. It was all a one-sided affair. I hope to get re-assurance that maybe I wasn't just being such a fool for even having such thoughts. I thought that since it's been so long, the feeling will gradually fade out... But all I can feel now is such deep regret and a sadness that overwhelms me. I was never a confident one in feelings. I know my own flaws. I think maybe I even turn off girls... But I tried... I really tried. But nothing seems to help. Maybe even nobody obstructed us, she wasn't even willing in the first place. O, what a fool I have been. Even though I would like to think like this, I can think recall the memories that we had. Nothing much or exciting. Just simple stuff like maybe talking after school or the walk to the bus stop at tamp int. But still, the tingling feeling has just relived in me. Even though she denies or no confirmation has been made, I know she's already someone elses'. I can only smile and ignorance is my best friend. But still, I have always hope for a miracle. Maybe all along all I can trust is God up there to help me. But reality often proves to be just a whole different thing totally. I don't wanna affect anyone seriously but in the end the person who gets affected the most is often myself. I overthink things, I re-trace my steps, I just can't seem to get things right. But this is just me, plain and simple me. Now that she's really going to be gone, I just can't seem to really accept that. No matter how I may try to avoid her, at least there will be occasions that we meet. But still, once she's gone this time round, maybe it will be years before I even get a glimpse of her. I use to say that all I want is to see a simple smile from her. I thought I had forgotten totally about this already. Yet yesterday I seem to understand why I had this feelings before. Often she would glance at me for several moments, but our eyes could never connect. Because she know's it is not right to give me false hope anymore. Or that's what I think. Honestly for myself, I don't even know what I want anymore. I thought I have already move past this stage of my life. I thought I had already let go of whatever memories that have haunt me in the past. But I was wrong. All along I have only just suppressed my feelings deep within me. As time goes by, the feeling may seem to fade but actually it is just building up gradually and my subconcious seems to be able to explode anytime. Maybe I'm just a fool. But at least a fool, can pen down his thoughts on such a platform and vent out his feeling. I feel that it's alright being a fool....


Enjoy the song. Maybe for the last time. ShaZi sincerely.