Memories From A Hopeless Heart. Second Encounter.

Memorable Incident 1 - Sister Trauma

When I was young, I had a considerably good relationship with my younger sister. I used to love to pinch her cheeks cause she was cute. My elder sister instead was a total bitch. Selfish her entire life. She influenced my younger sister to hate me as she gradually grew older and now I have nearly close to zero whatsoever interactions with both my sisters. Kinda like strangers living in the same house. Only tied by blood. But I was a bad brother. I cheated my sister alot of times and at times of rage hit her with intense amounts of force. I have always had a hard time containing my anger because I am not one to suffer in silence; I will burst and resort to drastic actions as proven at certain parts of my life. But she had done worse to me. To sum it up, I don't really know how but one day, things will change...

Memorable Incident 2 - Lonely Me

I used to be a miserable existence. I often stay at home the whole day just thinking of what to eat for breakfast, lunch and then dinner. Then I will start thinking of what to eat the next door. I have a fear of eating alone at public areas, yet when I do stuff like going off to play LAN alone at the moment I felt like I was having fun but when I look back at myself; I feel horribly sad for myself for being happy at for the simplest moments in life. The television was my best friend and I practically watched hours of retarded shows just to pass time.

I stopped writing because I just felt sad for myself. Like really really sad.

The Fateful Five...

It has been a fateful five years... To be honest, five years ago I didn't think that my life will end up this way. Another five years ago, ten years back to be exact I certainly didn't think that this is the life that I wanted for myself. Since I was young, I was actually a very shy and timid person. I was extremely low in my self esteem to the point that even eating in a public place alone prove to be a very challenging task. When I was 12, I was hurt. By a group of kids I regarded as my friends. Looking back I don't think that they really meant it. Maybe I myself was the one in fault. But one guy certainly betrayed my trust. In order to gain the affection of another certain classmate, this guy hacked into my email and started flirting with the girl I shall name X. As time goes by, my reputation is the class has inevitably gone bad to the point that I had a feeling that I was ostracised. I only found out about this matter five years later, which was 17. By then everything was too late already. I couldn't clear my name and the guy got off scot-free. But I sincerely think now, at 22 that it doesn't really matter, even though five years back I was livid. Maybe even if the guy didn't hack my email, it won't really affect the outcome as I will just be a Hi-Bye friend. A stepping stone as some will say or simply a familiar stranger in my classmates' lives. Then there was 17. For the first time then, I thought to myself. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I started accumulating talents. Dancing. Basketball. Singing. All of my passion just burst out, as if being suppressed for the previous five years as I was too shy to even try to attempt. I practise hard. I slim down in the process. I thought everything was going well. But atlas god has played a cruel joke on me. The more I try to chase after my dreams, my nightmare caught up with me instead. I started experiencing hair loss problems. Even my face was scarred badly by acne problems previously. When I was 12, I had a tuition classmate. She was a girl. She actually commented that I was good looking. That was actually a pretty happy moment in my life and I remember it even to this day. And then five years later I was going completely opposite in the direction that I was so composed on. These five years was simply hell for me. I was insulted, humiliated, even broken to the point that I just felt like smashing my face into the wall. I hated myself. I just want to scream so loud. People will be thinking up to this point that there will be a turning point in my life. Well, I also wanted my life to be a freaking fairytale. But reality smacks me deep in the face. If there's a god I will like to give a shout out to him. Why me? I know there are people in the world worse off than me but seriously, I don't want to give a fuck. Because honestly I am fucked. I had chances to actually experience love but I blew it. Because of the lack of confidence in me and afraid of being afraid of being judged, I bottled up all my feelings inside of me. Never was a day that went past without me just wanting to explode into a million pieces due to the overdue compressed emotions stomached within me. There were actually days when I wake up and I felt truly and terribly lonely. I had dreams, where I was just happily in love, happily doing my usual routines, happily being just a happy person. But that will never happen. I am condemned.I don't want to admit it. I refuse to acknowledged it. But I am just fucked. I hope the next entry that I write to myself to read will show that whatever I write now is just a spontaneous rant that will fade away for days to come. If not, I just want to say, F M L.

It still hurts.

5 years has passed alr.. Recently I've been thinking alot. What went wrong. How come my life has to be like this. Simple words can affect me so much. Anberlin's inevitable recently reconnects with me alot. With lyrics like "I wanna be ur last first kiss", "I wanna break every clock, the hands of time could never move again...", " We could stay in this moment for the rest of our lives...","Amazing how life turns out the way that it does...". Maybe there wasn't even anything in the first place. It was all a one-sided affair. I hope to get re-assurance that maybe I wasn't just being such a fool for even having such thoughts. I thought that since it's been so long, the feeling will gradually fade out... But all I can feel now is such deep regret and a sadness that overwhelms me. I was never a confident one in feelings. I know my own flaws. I think maybe I even turn off girls... But I tried... I really tried. But nothing seems to help. Maybe even nobody obstructed us, she wasn't even willing in the first place. O, what a fool I have been. Even though I would like to think like this, I can think recall the memories that we had. Nothing much or exciting. Just simple stuff like maybe talking after school or the walk to the bus stop at tamp int. But still, the tingling feeling has just relived in me. Even though she denies or no confirmation has been made, I know she's already someone elses'. I can only smile and ignorance is my best friend. But still, I have always hope for a miracle. Maybe all along all I can trust is God up there to help me. But reality often proves to be just a whole different thing totally. I don't wanna affect anyone seriously but in the end the person who gets affected the most is often myself. I overthink things, I re-trace my steps, I just can't seem to get things right. But this is just me, plain and simple me. Now that she's really going to be gone, I just can't seem to really accept that. No matter how I may try to avoid her, at least there will be occasions that we meet. But still, once she's gone this time round, maybe it will be years before I even get a glimpse of her. I use to say that all I want is to see a simple smile from her. I thought I had forgotten totally about this already. Yet yesterday I seem to understand why I had this feelings before. Often she would glance at me for several moments, but our eyes could never connect. Because she know's it is not right to give me false hope anymore. Or that's what I think. Honestly for myself, I don't even know what I want anymore. I thought I have already move past this stage of my life. I thought I had already let go of whatever memories that have haunt me in the past. But I was wrong. All along I have only just suppressed my feelings deep within me. As time goes by, the feeling may seem to fade but actually it is just building up gradually and my subconcious seems to be able to explode anytime. Maybe I'm just a fool. But at least a fool, can pen down his thoughts on such a platform and vent out his feeling. I feel that it's alright being a fool....


Enjoy the song. Maybe for the last time. ShaZi sincerely.

Anberlin - Inevitable

Memories From A Broken Heart. First Encounter.

2012. It's been so long. Frankly I never thought that I still cared. But I still need a platform to vent my frustrations I guess. 2008? Yeap thats right. 4 years. Nothing has change I guess. Life goes on its boring routine. Everyone's growing up. Getting distant. Everyone is walking down a different path I get it. But still. It has been awhile...

Primary School

Can't remember much. Except this bastard call Chester. Pretended to be my friend but hacked my email and then mail shit to the girls he like. Assuming my identity. Got me pretty fked up with everyone in the class. Fking Dog. Cheryl Loh. Pretty girl. But still. Out of my league. She's got it all. The looks. The brains. Even the cash. Still wishes her well though. Christian. Never stood a chance. Plus we're like 12? Ah fk it. Then there's Eric with the games and all. LOL. Boy that was some pretty intense times. He was a freaking play maker. Then there was Everett with the rapping and shit. Then there were some girls I added on msn just for fun. Talking to them and pretending I dun give a shit. Which I freaking did. LOL. Those were rather popular girls in school though. Sad me. Alright that sums it up. Primary School was sad.

Secondary School

Wow. Insane man. That was where I met tons of my best friends till now. There's Bryan,Arthur from my sec 1/2. Those were fine dudes. Then theres Han Cong and Hannes. Had a rough patch with them but reconciled in the end. Zhi Hwa was pretty fked up. I guess I owe him one. I was pretty angry when I hit his head. Then there was the choir gang. I guess I can only remember Leon. Lol. His voice was still crappy. sec 3/4 there's louis. Best buds. Hit a few rough patches but still, made our friendship rock solid. Then there's the bookworm club. Kwoks and his gang. Pretty ok relationship with them. Friends till now. Yup. Secondary school was pretty wicked. O yea. There's still the bastard sellick. Linking up to JC and army life man. He was pretty involved in my life for awhile that shit. Then there was the ngee ann gang. Oily people the KCs. And oily jim. But thats for JC talk. Which Im about to start... NOW!

Junior College

Breaking point. First year. Met Gabriel Beh, Kenneth Lim and Jun Jia. Those were pretty badasses. Stay in touch with JJ all the way. Wasnt that close with him though we were sec sch mates in the past. Then there was Kaiden. Wow. Led me to Abel Terry and Kent. Those bastards are pretty sick with all their badass behaviour. But still. Life was fking awesome with them. Never a boring day man. Then there jn and the dunman gang. Not a bad sight. They are wicked fun as well. Well going on to the classmates. Had 2 classes so, yea. Can't compare both though. They are fun in their own ways. The earlier one is more in to social gatherings, while the latter is more into sports and stuffs. Had conflicts with both but sorted out already. Life is still pretty awesome keeping in contact with them. Well then there's the girls. Really liked Jieying when she first came. Thought she was fun and stuff. Found out she's a total bitch in the end so yea. DONE. Then the 3Qs. Fking good friends. Supportive in whatever decisions I had. Plus they are really nice girls. Then there's well... Ok I did ponder for awhile but still this is my memories. And I only wanna write the truth. There's Maybelline. Surprisingly I didn't even notice her at first. Only after the project work period did I realise maybe I do have a crush on her. But maybe its just the resemblance she has to Cheryl Loh. I dunno. Well. Things got pretty awkward and shit and now its just rather fked up so, this part ends here. I still think she's a nice girl and all, and she was a pretty good friend for that time period. So yea, gotta thank her for wasting her time on me. Then there's gladys. What a fking bitch. Didnt even wanna mention her. But still. Fking bitch. Ok. then there's Gina. She was a pretty girl. Too bad i didnt even get to know her. Sad. JC kinda sums it up at this point. Spent 3 years here. Didnt really study much. Got awesome results. Showed fat bitch dawn ng in the face yo! Then it ended. Army starts...

National Service

7th Coy. Sch 4. 2304. Poh Chun How. Thats me. BMT SUCKS. Alright theres still a few plus points. Theres xiao pang who I still keep in contact. Gerald and shaunie. and pretty much thats it. O yea theres ambie too. Thanks to 2 ppl, Edison my buddy the fking dog who can go fk himself. And sellick. Mother Dog. Both of them. First guy got me confine. Then the second dude. whos so fking stupid that he cant even get into a university prank me so that he can satisfy this void in this air brain. And he pretty much got everyone to hate me. Well what a friend. Even in JC he was a fking douche. Theres the saying Bros before Hoes. He's practically the opposite. Being a HOE himself. Then theres 8SIR. Woo. Met jun wei and jun feng there. Best buds. The rest is just sleeping time. Regret that jun feng went to teng ah air base. Luckily jun wei followed me. So its pretty awesome. PLAB till now is like a roller coaster. Saw hector for the first time. Thought he was a interesting person. After a week, knew he is a noisy and smelly A hole who should just go fk himself. The smokers are pretty ok. The nerds are pretty awesome too. Except Chun Leong. And Niran. Both are fuck faces who should just go and kill themselves. Then there's the ORD peps. Pretty awesome too. Leng Poh is the best PC ever. He should just sign on and continue being slack. And then now, involved in eagles challenge. Met a few platoon one peps. And tmr is the fking results. Which I don't really give a fk. Except my OFFs.

So this sums up my life. People I didn't mention doesn't mean that they are not important. Its just that people who I write here either used to be really important or are just fked ups that I regretably had the chance to meet in my life. So yea. Adios. Signing off on 7 Feb 10.38pm. Memories. From a pretty broken heart. :)

A Tired Man

A rant.

By a tired man.

Dam fked up.

Seriously.

How should I begin? Hmm... Lets start from the first injustice then. Operation Accusation. Live round lost = Man's fault. Coz commanders are confirm in the right whereas man is always in the wrong. Why u nvr check? U gonna sign alot of extras. Fk off. Did u check? No way in hell. I didn't even touch the fking mag. Bitch. So blame the man then. Everything also my fault lor. I go DB sua. :) CCB. Fking Dogs.

Second injustice. PSP case. Fk la. How the fuck I know he bring PSP. Then tio taiji also my fault. Fking Dog.

Third injustice. Ya la no need sign extra. Like real. CCB in the end still need serve right. Fk. Betrayed by ex-school mate no.1

Fourth injustice. I plan u fking leng duty. Fk ur mom. 7 hrs in a row with no lunch call leng? CCB u might as well stab me in the front mother fker. Betrayed by ex-school mate no.2

Aiya. No matter what, Commanders = Leaders. Man = Losers. Kena fked by Commanders = Man deserve it. Everything just push to the Man la. Fk all of u man. CCB. Hope u all burn in hell. Dogs. Mother Fkers. STOP PUSHING THE BLAME TO ME. AND EVERYTHING ACCUSE ME. AND EVERYTHING KP ME. THEN PUNISH ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDNT DO. FUCK THIS FKING SHIT. FKING ASSHOLES. FKING UNIT. FKING SHIT. MAKE US GO MANDAI CAMP THEN DUMP THE FUCK US THERE. FKING CHOA CHUA KANG INTERCHANGE AH? FK UR MOM LA NAHBEH. HOW THE FUCK I GO HOME FROM THERE U FKING MORON. USE UR BRAINS CAN ANOT FKING DOG.

Rant ended.

By a tired man.

Facebook too many spies. Boh Bian.

A Lonely Man

Been a while its sad to say;


Yet again Im on my way...


Memories flow back yesterday;


Am I a fool, here I lay,


On a stone hard rocky bay...


Pondering to myself the dreams I had;


Or so it seems, reality's pretty bad...


A lonely man can never be so sad;


Twisted thoughts will make him mad...


He walks again on the lonely road;


Resembling a loathesome grouchy toad...


He curses and swears at his miserable existence;


A lifelong of regret and filthy resentment...


He will never live to see;


A image re-created deep beneath the seas...


From the memories,


of just


a simple


and rather


lonely


man...