A Brand New Me. The Devil.

Today, I did something unbelieveable. I... hurt a girl. Like physically. I threw a wet piece of toilet paper at her with all my strength. I... have injured her. Remorse may be all I feel right now, yet at the moment all I feel was the exhilarating adrenaline rush to my head. I was actually intensely excited then. Actually, I don't feel so bad. Coz I don't give a fuck. Yet, this struck me immensely. Is this who I have become? When people used to misunderstand me, I will tell myself. "They don't know me at all" Looking at things the way they are now, I don't think I am fit to be able to clear my name. Coz I have turned into what they have shape me to be. A delinquent. All I wanted at the start, was just a single person's understanding. After tons of misunderstanding between us, I have gradually found trust to be distasteful. I trusted no one. Nop. Not even her. Not anymore. Things have changed. This is just life. I have been twisted. Corrupted into my current state. I don't know what is right or what is wrong anymore. I can only bury my sorrows. Deep. Deep down my heart. In a bottomless pit. Hopefully to vanquish the existance of pain. No matter how hard I try to hide, it will always be there. I know its there. Coz it pierces me every single day. Yet I don't feel it anymore. Know why? Coz Im already numb. Numb of trust. Numb of love. Numb of sorrow. My friends have left me. Joined the army. I miss them. LIKE HELL. Im so lonely. Each night, I feel like crying. Sobbing. Coz Im weak. No one can understand my pain. 3 years. Its a long wait. From a person who is perhaps, shy and quiet, to this ignorant fool that I am today. I am no longer alive. I died on that day. February 6th 2009. I will always remember that day. The day I got fucked. Maybe its coz i don't care anymore. Or maybe its just that I pretend to not to care. If I were to get hurt a second time, I don't know how can I bear the pain. The pain of a thousand knives slicing through your heart. Honestly, I have cried. Not once. Not twice. But several times. For You. Yet my tears have dried up, under this whole pretense of a tough delinquent. I am just a sad person... who needs to be free... ShaZi