Tuesday, 13 January 2015
Monday, 30 June 2014
Monday, 26 May 2014
2014
Its 2014. Time flew past me as if I was a dust particle dealt mercilessly by the stormy seasons; the harsh reality of my insignificance in this world struck me where it hurts the most. My heart? Nope. The reminiscent of physical pain is but an indulgence in the past, when I could actually feel something in this fragile organ that has long been broken and scattered by circumstances. My soul? I guess so. If the spiritual contentment of an insatiable desire to leave this godforsaken place I once called a home could actually be more than just a dream. My ambitions? Sad to say, at this exact moment, I have none. I used to have visions for the future. A happy life. A simple life. And at the very least a fulfilling life. My life is torture. I do not know why. But I am definitely unhappy. Unhappy about what? Actually I do not know. The complexity of the situation currently is that I am stuck in a system of life that is confined to me the moment I am born. I am blessed to have a complete family. But I am not blessed to love, or be loved. My parents have treated me well. I am in their debt. But do I love them? I do not know. Am I willing to die for them? Some people may call me heartless. But I trust myself to be as candid as possible. In the future that I have pictured in my dreams, they were certainly not included. But will I cry when they die? Definitely. Maybe I do love them after all. As they say love cannot be explained or justified through simple reasoning and words are definitely lacking in this aspect. Yet late at night when there is no one but my conscience and my consciousness accompanying me I have no answer to this rhetorical question. I can lie to the world, but I cannot lie to myself. A corny line from a typical movie scene depicts the emotional roller coaster residing within me. My sisters have been nothing but a pain since I could remember. Love is an understatement. So is hate. The period of hatred has already passed several years ago and emotional-wise I am deprived of feeling anything at all towards them. Occasionally the hatred resurfaces when the intention to deliberately attack me due to their lack of self-restraint on being decent human beings. However I have learned to let it pass as I can understand that they are just typical spoilt Singaporean girls. Don't get me wrong, some Singaporean girls are still plenty nice but they are the collection of all the vices that is possible in this world. Materialistic, overly-opinionated, lack of respect for themselves and for others, assertive that they belong to a certain class of human beings and therefore looks down on numerous types of people, and the list goes on till the depths of hell. Maybe I'm being plenty subjective. Maybe I should be the one being judged instead. But yet, how can one be judged if one has already lost the will to defend thyself? Honesty is the best policy, if only you are living in a world filled with rainbows and unicorn. Surrounded by liars everywhere in this world, honesty is never the policy as it never amounts to anything. An honest opinion is like a bottle cap whereas people are like the bottle. Nobody likes being screwed in the face...
Sunday, 5 May 2013
Fly me to the moon.
Fly me to the moon
Let me swing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
...
In other words please be true...
In my whole life, I daresay I've watched thousand over movies. But movies that really resonates and reaches deep within your inner conscience are few and rare. I shall talk more on a recent production The Seven Psychopaths. It is a rather dark movie but it gives off a vibe that really touches on humanity issues. Like the Vietnamese Monk story. The Vietnamese monk was actually visualising a fictional background story where he was once a soldier in the Vietnam war with the Americans and during that period, the Americans had slaughtered his family and burned down his village. Seeking vengeance, he kidnapped a American prostitute and tied explosives to her. Just when he was about to blast the prostitute into smithereens at a US convention meeting, the prostitute shocked the Vietnamese monk with just one Vietnamese sentence. "Brother this wont bring us peace." When the monk regain his sense, the prostitute was actually a fellow monk trying to persuade him to give up self-immolation. Yet the Vietnamese monk just reply calmly. "It might" And then he burned to death. That was the best scene in the entire movie. The other stories are just as interesting but this scene just really gets me thinking. What is life really about? Do we really have a purpose for our existence? I am not a Christian. But recently, a good friend of mine is trying to expose me more on Christianity. I have to say I actually really like the idea. Not that I believe in God. But the beliefs and ideals behind the religion is really enlightening. The worst part that I don't really adore is the Anti-Christ. I don't really get the fact that to attain a ticket to heaven, one must believe in Christ or you're, well I can't put it in any other ways, fucked. So non-believers must be screwed and condemn to hell. I have personally met non-Christians are just as sincere and true to people and Christians, who by default should have been abiding by God's rule book "The Bible", that are mean and callous. So apparently everyone was born a sinner. So no matter what you do, you can only sin more and as long as you confess to a pastor God washes away your sin. This is utter... I just don't get this part. Why are everyone born sinners? Why can't everyone be non-sinners and when you do the crime, you pay the time? Don't get me wrong, I believe in second chances. But the fact that redemption is simply believing just sounds like the easy way out. What about philanthropist and charitable people who have give their all to mankind and society their entire lives? Are they to be condemn to hell just because they are non-Christians? I really appreciate the fact that Christianity should be more open-minded. I believe that sometimes, some Christians really think that they are superior to others, judging by the fact that they have God behind their back. It is because of this religious disparity in society, that I think leads to people questioning the authencity behind Christianity. I really like Christianity in some ways, but in other ways, it makes me just really dispirited. Lets just say that I agree to disagree, yet sometimes blindly agreeing is even more lacking in purpose than to disagree and to question. Life is just a play, and we are all actors. We control our destiny. But Christianity may change it that we are all chess pieces on a gigantic chess board called the Earth playing a game of life. And our fates are predestined from the start, whether should we be the Emperor, noble and royal, or perhaps a simple pawn, destined to forever serve under the Emperor and when the need arrives, to even die for the Emperor. We could be the rook, forever walking down the same route faithfully, or we could be the bishop, concepts and beliefs twisted, intentionally travelling diagonally. We could even be knights, limited movement to only certain spots, just like in life where we are bounded by limits, be it mentally or physically. This is not a rant on Christianity. Do no be offended Christians. This is just my personal opinion on life. Whether should we be bounded by a religion, or carefree as an atheist is to each his choice...
Let me swing among those stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
...
In other words please be true...
In my whole life, I daresay I've watched thousand over movies. But movies that really resonates and reaches deep within your inner conscience are few and rare. I shall talk more on a recent production The Seven Psychopaths. It is a rather dark movie but it gives off a vibe that really touches on humanity issues. Like the Vietnamese Monk story. The Vietnamese monk was actually visualising a fictional background story where he was once a soldier in the Vietnam war with the Americans and during that period, the Americans had slaughtered his family and burned down his village. Seeking vengeance, he kidnapped a American prostitute and tied explosives to her. Just when he was about to blast the prostitute into smithereens at a US convention meeting, the prostitute shocked the Vietnamese monk with just one Vietnamese sentence. "Brother this wont bring us peace." When the monk regain his sense, the prostitute was actually a fellow monk trying to persuade him to give up self-immolation. Yet the Vietnamese monk just reply calmly. "It might" And then he burned to death. That was the best scene in the entire movie. The other stories are just as interesting but this scene just really gets me thinking. What is life really about? Do we really have a purpose for our existence? I am not a Christian. But recently, a good friend of mine is trying to expose me more on Christianity. I have to say I actually really like the idea. Not that I believe in God. But the beliefs and ideals behind the religion is really enlightening. The worst part that I don't really adore is the Anti-Christ. I don't really get the fact that to attain a ticket to heaven, one must believe in Christ or you're, well I can't put it in any other ways, fucked. So non-believers must be screwed and condemn to hell. I have personally met non-Christians are just as sincere and true to people and Christians, who by default should have been abiding by God's rule book "The Bible", that are mean and callous. So apparently everyone was born a sinner. So no matter what you do, you can only sin more and as long as you confess to a pastor God washes away your sin. This is utter... I just don't get this part. Why are everyone born sinners? Why can't everyone be non-sinners and when you do the crime, you pay the time? Don't get me wrong, I believe in second chances. But the fact that redemption is simply believing just sounds like the easy way out. What about philanthropist and charitable people who have give their all to mankind and society their entire lives? Are they to be condemn to hell just because they are non-Christians? I really appreciate the fact that Christianity should be more open-minded. I believe that sometimes, some Christians really think that they are superior to others, judging by the fact that they have God behind their back. It is because of this religious disparity in society, that I think leads to people questioning the authencity behind Christianity. I really like Christianity in some ways, but in other ways, it makes me just really dispirited. Lets just say that I agree to disagree, yet sometimes blindly agreeing is even more lacking in purpose than to disagree and to question. Life is just a play, and we are all actors. We control our destiny. But Christianity may change it that we are all chess pieces on a gigantic chess board called the Earth playing a game of life. And our fates are predestined from the start, whether should we be the Emperor, noble and royal, or perhaps a simple pawn, destined to forever serve under the Emperor and when the need arrives, to even die for the Emperor. We could be the rook, forever walking down the same route faithfully, or we could be the bishop, concepts and beliefs twisted, intentionally travelling diagonally. We could even be knights, limited movement to only certain spots, just like in life where we are bounded by limits, be it mentally or physically. This is not a rant on Christianity. Do no be offended Christians. This is just my personal opinion on life. Whether should we be bounded by a religion, or carefree as an atheist is to each his choice...
Sunday, 21 April 2013
Memories From A Hopeless Heart. Second Encounter.
Memorable Incident 1 - Sister Trauma
When I was young, I had a considerably good relationship with my younger sister. I used to love to pinch her cheeks cause she was cute. My elder sister instead was a total bitch. Selfish her entire life. She influenced my younger sister to hate me as she gradually grew older and now I have nearly close to zero whatsoever interactions with both my sisters. Kinda like strangers living in the same house. Only tied by blood. But I was a bad brother. I cheated my sister alot of times and at times of rage hit her with intense amounts of force. I have always had a hard time containing my anger because I am not one to suffer in silence; I will burst and resort to drastic actions as proven at certain parts of my life. But she had done worse to me. To sum it up, I don't really know how but one day, things will change...
Memorable Incident 2 - Lonely Me
I used to be a miserable existence. I often stay at home the whole day just thinking of what to eat for breakfast, lunch and then dinner. Then I will start thinking of what to eat the next door. I have a fear of eating alone at public areas, yet when I do stuff like going off to play LAN alone at the moment I felt like I was having fun but when I look back at myself; I feel horribly sad for myself for being happy at for the simplest moments in life. The television was my best friend and I practically watched hours of retarded shows just to pass time.
I stopped writing because I just felt sad for myself. Like really really sad.
When I was young, I had a considerably good relationship with my younger sister. I used to love to pinch her cheeks cause she was cute. My elder sister instead was a total bitch. Selfish her entire life. She influenced my younger sister to hate me as she gradually grew older and now I have nearly close to zero whatsoever interactions with both my sisters. Kinda like strangers living in the same house. Only tied by blood. But I was a bad brother. I cheated my sister alot of times and at times of rage hit her with intense amounts of force. I have always had a hard time containing my anger because I am not one to suffer in silence; I will burst and resort to drastic actions as proven at certain parts of my life. But she had done worse to me. To sum it up, I don't really know how but one day, things will change...
Memorable Incident 2 - Lonely Me
I used to be a miserable existence. I often stay at home the whole day just thinking of what to eat for breakfast, lunch and then dinner. Then I will start thinking of what to eat the next door. I have a fear of eating alone at public areas, yet when I do stuff like going off to play LAN alone at the moment I felt like I was having fun but when I look back at myself; I feel horribly sad for myself for being happy at for the simplest moments in life. The television was my best friend and I practically watched hours of retarded shows just to pass time.
I stopped writing because I just felt sad for myself. Like really really sad.
The Fateful Five...
It has been a fateful five years... To be honest, five years ago I didn't think that my life will end up this way. Another five years ago, ten years back to be exact I certainly didn't think that this is the life that I wanted for myself. Since I was young, I was actually a very shy and timid person. I was extremely low in my self esteem to the point that even eating in a public place alone prove to be a very challenging task. When I was 12, I was hurt. By a group of kids I regarded as my friends. Looking back I don't think that they really meant it. Maybe I myself was the one in fault. But one guy certainly betrayed my trust. In order to gain the affection of another certain classmate, this guy hacked into my email and started flirting with the girl I shall name X. As time goes by, my reputation is the class has inevitably gone bad to the point that I had a feeling that I was ostracised. I only found out about this matter five years later, which was 17. By then everything was too late already. I couldn't clear my name and the guy got off scot-free. But I sincerely think now, at 22 that it doesn't really matter, even though five years back I was livid. Maybe even if the guy didn't hack my email, it won't really affect the outcome as I will just be a Hi-Bye friend. A stepping stone as some will say or simply a familiar stranger in my classmates' lives. Then there was 17. For the first time then, I thought to myself. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I started accumulating talents. Dancing. Basketball. Singing. All of my passion just burst out, as if being suppressed for the previous five years as I was too shy to even try to attempt. I practise hard. I slim down in the process. I thought everything was going well. But atlas god has played a cruel joke on me. The more I try to chase after my dreams, my nightmare caught up with me instead. I started experiencing hair loss problems. Even my face was scarred badly by acne problems previously. When I was 12, I had a tuition classmate. She was a girl. She actually commented that I was good looking. That was actually a pretty happy moment in my life and I remember it even to this day. And then five years later I was going completely opposite in the direction that I was so composed on. These five years was simply hell for me. I was insulted, humiliated, even broken to the point that I just felt like smashing my face into the wall. I hated myself. I just want to scream so loud. People will be thinking up to this point that there will be a turning point in my life. Well, I also wanted my life to be a freaking fairytale. But reality smacks me deep in the face. If there's a god I will like to give a shout out to him. Why me? I know there are people in the world worse off than me but seriously, I don't want to give a fuck. Because honestly I am fucked. I had chances to actually experience love but I blew it. Because of the lack of confidence in me and afraid of being afraid of being judged, I bottled up all my feelings inside of me. Never was a day that went past without me just wanting to explode into a million pieces due to the overdue compressed emotions stomached within me. There were actually days when I wake up and I felt truly and terribly lonely. I had dreams, where I was just happily in love, happily doing my usual routines, happily being just a happy person. But that will never happen. I am condemned.I don't want to admit it. I refuse to acknowledged it. But I am just fucked. I hope the next entry that I write to myself to read will show that whatever I write now is just a spontaneous rant that will fade away for days to come. If not, I just want to say, F M L.
Friday, 11 January 2013
It still hurts.
5 years has passed alr.. Recently I've been thinking alot. What went wrong. How come my life has to be like this. Simple words can affect me so much. Anberlin's inevitable recently reconnects with me alot. With lyrics like "I wanna be ur last first kiss", "I wanna break every clock, the hands of time could never move again...", " We could stay in this moment for the rest of our lives...","Amazing how life turns out the way that it does...". Maybe there wasn't even anything in the first place. It was all a one-sided affair. I hope to get re-assurance that maybe I wasn't just being such a fool for even having such thoughts. I thought that since it's been so long, the feeling will gradually fade out... But all I can feel now is such deep regret and a sadness that overwhelms me. I was never a confident one in feelings. I know my own flaws. I think maybe I even turn off girls... But I tried... I really tried. But nothing seems to help. Maybe even nobody obstructed us, she wasn't even willing in the first place. O, what a fool I have been. Even though I would like to think like this, I can think recall the memories that we had. Nothing much or exciting. Just simple stuff like maybe talking after school or the walk to the bus stop at tamp int. But still, the tingling feeling has just relived in me. Even though she denies or no confirmation has been made, I know she's already someone elses'. I can only smile and ignorance is my best friend. But still, I have always hope for a miracle. Maybe all along all I can trust is God up there to help me. But reality often proves to be just a whole different thing totally. I don't wanna affect anyone seriously but in the end the person who gets affected the most is often myself. I overthink things, I re-trace my steps, I just can't seem to get things right. But this is just me, plain and simple me. Now that she's really going to be gone, I just can't seem to really accept that. No matter how I may try to avoid her, at least there will be occasions that we meet. But still, once she's gone this time round, maybe it will be years before I even get a glimpse of her. I use to say that all I want is to see a simple smile from her. I thought I had forgotten totally about this already. Yet yesterday I seem to understand why I had this feelings before. Often she would glance at me for several moments, but our eyes could never connect. Because she know's it is not right to give me false hope anymore. Or that's what I think. Honestly for myself, I don't even know what I want anymore. I thought I have already move past this stage of my life. I thought I had already let go of whatever memories that have haunt me in the past. But I was wrong. All along I have only just suppressed my feelings deep within me. As time goes by, the feeling may seem to fade but actually it is just building up gradually and my subconcious seems to be able to explode anytime. Maybe I'm just a fool. But at least a fool, can pen down his thoughts on such a platform and vent out his feeling. I feel that it's alright being a fool....
Enjoy the song. Maybe for the last time. ShaZi sincerely.
Enjoy the song. Maybe for the last time. ShaZi sincerely.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Memories From A Broken Heart. First Encounter.
2012. It's been so long. Frankly I never thought that I still cared. But I still need a platform to vent my frustrations I guess. 2008? Yeap thats right. 4 years. Nothing has change I guess. Life goes on its boring routine. Everyone's growing up. Getting distant. Everyone is walking down a different path I get it. But still. It has been awhile...
Primary School
Can't remember much. Except this bastard call Chester. Pretended to be my friend but hacked my email and then mail shit to the girls he like. Assuming my identity. Got me pretty fked up with everyone in the class. Fking Dog. Cheryl Loh. Pretty girl. But still. Out of my league. She's got it all. The looks. The brains. Even the cash. Still wishes her well though. Christian. Never stood a chance. Plus we're like 12? Ah fk it. Then there's Eric with the games and all. LOL. Boy that was some pretty intense times. He was a freaking play maker. Then there was Everett with the rapping and shit. Then there were some girls I added on msn just for fun. Talking to them and pretending I dun give a shit. Which I freaking did. LOL. Those were rather popular girls in school though. Sad me. Alright that sums it up. Primary School was sad.
Secondary School
Wow. Insane man. That was where I met tons of my best friends till now. There's Bryan,Arthur from my sec 1/2. Those were fine dudes. Then theres Han Cong and Hannes. Had a rough patch with them but reconciled in the end. Zhi Hwa was pretty fked up. I guess I owe him one. I was pretty angry when I hit his head. Then there was the choir gang. I guess I can only remember Leon. Lol. His voice was still crappy. sec 3/4 there's louis. Best buds. Hit a few rough patches but still, made our friendship rock solid. Then there's the bookworm club. Kwoks and his gang. Pretty ok relationship with them. Friends till now. Yup. Secondary school was pretty wicked. O yea. There's still the bastard sellick. Linking up to JC and army life man. He was pretty involved in my life for awhile that shit. Then there was the ngee ann gang. Oily people the KCs. And oily jim. But thats for JC talk. Which Im about to start... NOW!
Junior College
Breaking point. First year. Met Gabriel Beh, Kenneth Lim and Jun Jia. Those were pretty badasses. Stay in touch with JJ all the way. Wasnt that close with him though we were sec sch mates in the past. Then there was Kaiden. Wow. Led me to Abel Terry and Kent. Those bastards are pretty sick with all their badass behaviour. But still. Life was fking awesome with them. Never a boring day man. Then there jn and the dunman gang. Not a bad sight. They are wicked fun as well. Well going on to the classmates. Had 2 classes so, yea. Can't compare both though. They are fun in their own ways. The earlier one is more in to social gatherings, while the latter is more into sports and stuffs. Had conflicts with both but sorted out already. Life is still pretty awesome keeping in contact with them. Well then there's the girls. Really liked Jieying when she first came. Thought she was fun and stuff. Found out she's a total bitch in the end so yea. DONE. Then the 3Qs. Fking good friends. Supportive in whatever decisions I had. Plus they are really nice girls. Then there's well... Ok I did ponder for awhile but still this is my memories. And I only wanna write the truth. There's Maybelline. Surprisingly I didn't even notice her at first. Only after the project work period did I realise maybe I do have a crush on her. But maybe its just the resemblance she has to Cheryl Loh. I dunno. Well. Things got pretty awkward and shit and now its just rather fked up so, this part ends here. I still think she's a nice girl and all, and she was a pretty good friend for that time period. So yea, gotta thank her for wasting her time on me. Then there's gladys. What a fking bitch. Didnt even wanna mention her. But still. Fking bitch. Ok. then there's Gina. She was a pretty girl. Too bad i didnt even get to know her. Sad. JC kinda sums it up at this point. Spent 3 years here. Didnt really study much. Got awesome results. Showed fat bitch dawn ng in the face yo! Then it ended. Army starts...
National Service
7th Coy. Sch 4. 2304. Poh Chun How. Thats me. BMT SUCKS. Alright theres still a few plus points. Theres xiao pang who I still keep in contact. Gerald and shaunie. and pretty much thats it. O yea theres ambie too. Thanks to 2 ppl, Edison my buddy the fking dog who can go fk himself. And sellick. Mother Dog. Both of them. First guy got me confine. Then the second dude. whos so fking stupid that he cant even get into a university prank me so that he can satisfy this void in this air brain. And he pretty much got everyone to hate me. Well what a friend. Even in JC he was a fking douche. Theres the saying Bros before Hoes. He's practically the opposite. Being a HOE himself. Then theres 8SIR. Woo. Met jun wei and jun feng there. Best buds. The rest is just sleeping time. Regret that jun feng went to teng ah air base. Luckily jun wei followed me. So its pretty awesome. PLAB till now is like a roller coaster. Saw hector for the first time. Thought he was a interesting person. After a week, knew he is a noisy and smelly A hole who should just go fk himself. The smokers are pretty ok. The nerds are pretty awesome too. Except Chun Leong. And Niran. Both are fuck faces who should just go and kill themselves. Then there's the ORD peps. Pretty awesome too. Leng Poh is the best PC ever. He should just sign on and continue being slack. And then now, involved in eagles challenge. Met a few platoon one peps. And tmr is the fking results. Which I don't really give a fk. Except my OFFs.
So this sums up my life. People I didn't mention doesn't mean that they are not important. Its just that people who I write here either used to be really important or are just fked ups that I regretably had the chance to meet in my life. So yea. Adios. Signing off on 7 Feb 10.38pm. Memories. From a pretty broken heart. :)
Primary School
Can't remember much. Except this bastard call Chester. Pretended to be my friend but hacked my email and then mail shit to the girls he like. Assuming my identity. Got me pretty fked up with everyone in the class. Fking Dog. Cheryl Loh. Pretty girl. But still. Out of my league. She's got it all. The looks. The brains. Even the cash. Still wishes her well though. Christian. Never stood a chance. Plus we're like 12? Ah fk it. Then there's Eric with the games and all. LOL. Boy that was some pretty intense times. He was a freaking play maker. Then there was Everett with the rapping and shit. Then there were some girls I added on msn just for fun. Talking to them and pretending I dun give a shit. Which I freaking did. LOL. Those were rather popular girls in school though. Sad me. Alright that sums it up. Primary School was sad.
Secondary School
Wow. Insane man. That was where I met tons of my best friends till now. There's Bryan,Arthur from my sec 1/2. Those were fine dudes. Then theres Han Cong and Hannes. Had a rough patch with them but reconciled in the end. Zhi Hwa was pretty fked up. I guess I owe him one. I was pretty angry when I hit his head. Then there was the choir gang. I guess I can only remember Leon. Lol. His voice was still crappy. sec 3/4 there's louis. Best buds. Hit a few rough patches but still, made our friendship rock solid. Then there's the bookworm club. Kwoks and his gang. Pretty ok relationship with them. Friends till now. Yup. Secondary school was pretty wicked. O yea. There's still the bastard sellick. Linking up to JC and army life man. He was pretty involved in my life for awhile that shit. Then there was the ngee ann gang. Oily people the KCs. And oily jim. But thats for JC talk. Which Im about to start... NOW!
Junior College
Breaking point. First year. Met Gabriel Beh, Kenneth Lim and Jun Jia. Those were pretty badasses. Stay in touch with JJ all the way. Wasnt that close with him though we were sec sch mates in the past. Then there was Kaiden. Wow. Led me to Abel Terry and Kent. Those bastards are pretty sick with all their badass behaviour. But still. Life was fking awesome with them. Never a boring day man. Then there jn and the dunman gang. Not a bad sight. They are wicked fun as well. Well going on to the classmates. Had 2 classes so, yea. Can't compare both though. They are fun in their own ways. The earlier one is more in to social gatherings, while the latter is more into sports and stuffs. Had conflicts with both but sorted out already. Life is still pretty awesome keeping in contact with them. Well then there's the girls. Really liked Jieying when she first came. Thought she was fun and stuff. Found out she's a total bitch in the end so yea. DONE. Then the 3Qs. Fking good friends. Supportive in whatever decisions I had. Plus they are really nice girls. Then there's well... Ok I did ponder for awhile but still this is my memories. And I only wanna write the truth. There's Maybelline. Surprisingly I didn't even notice her at first. Only after the project work period did I realise maybe I do have a crush on her. But maybe its just the resemblance she has to Cheryl Loh. I dunno. Well. Things got pretty awkward and shit and now its just rather fked up so, this part ends here. I still think she's a nice girl and all, and she was a pretty good friend for that time period. So yea, gotta thank her for wasting her time on me. Then there's gladys. What a fking bitch. Didnt even wanna mention her. But still. Fking bitch. Ok. then there's Gina. She was a pretty girl. Too bad i didnt even get to know her. Sad. JC kinda sums it up at this point. Spent 3 years here. Didnt really study much. Got awesome results. Showed fat bitch dawn ng in the face yo! Then it ended. Army starts...
National Service
7th Coy. Sch 4. 2304. Poh Chun How. Thats me. BMT SUCKS. Alright theres still a few plus points. Theres xiao pang who I still keep in contact. Gerald and shaunie. and pretty much thats it. O yea theres ambie too. Thanks to 2 ppl, Edison my buddy the fking dog who can go fk himself. And sellick. Mother Dog. Both of them. First guy got me confine. Then the second dude. whos so fking stupid that he cant even get into a university prank me so that he can satisfy this void in this air brain. And he pretty much got everyone to hate me. Well what a friend. Even in JC he was a fking douche. Theres the saying Bros before Hoes. He's practically the opposite. Being a HOE himself. Then theres 8SIR. Woo. Met jun wei and jun feng there. Best buds. The rest is just sleeping time. Regret that jun feng went to teng ah air base. Luckily jun wei followed me. So its pretty awesome. PLAB till now is like a roller coaster. Saw hector for the first time. Thought he was a interesting person. After a week, knew he is a noisy and smelly A hole who should just go fk himself. The smokers are pretty ok. The nerds are pretty awesome too. Except Chun Leong. And Niran. Both are fuck faces who should just go and kill themselves. Then there's the ORD peps. Pretty awesome too. Leng Poh is the best PC ever. He should just sign on and continue being slack. And then now, involved in eagles challenge. Met a few platoon one peps. And tmr is the fking results. Which I don't really give a fk. Except my OFFs.
So this sums up my life. People I didn't mention doesn't mean that they are not important. Its just that people who I write here either used to be really important or are just fked ups that I regretably had the chance to meet in my life. So yea. Adios. Signing off on 7 Feb 10.38pm. Memories. From a pretty broken heart. :)
Tuesday, 20 September 2011
A Tired Man
A rant.
By a tired man.
Dam fked up.
Seriously.
How should I begin? Hmm... Lets start from the first injustice then. Operation Accusation. Live round lost = Man's fault. Coz commanders are confirm in the right whereas man is always in the wrong. Why u nvr check? U gonna sign alot of extras. Fk off. Did u check? No way in hell. I didn't even touch the fking mag. Bitch. So blame the man then. Everything also my fault lor. I go DB sua. :) CCB. Fking Dogs.
Second injustice. PSP case. Fk la. How the fuck I know he bring PSP. Then tio taiji also my fault. Fking Dog.
Third injustice. Ya la no need sign extra. Like real. CCB in the end still need serve right. Fk. Betrayed by ex-school mate no.1
Fourth injustice. I plan u fking leng duty. Fk ur mom. 7 hrs in a row with no lunch call leng? CCB u might as well stab me in the front mother fker. Betrayed by ex-school mate no.2
Aiya. No matter what, Commanders = Leaders. Man = Losers. Kena fked by Commanders = Man deserve it. Everything just push to the Man la. Fk all of u man. CCB. Hope u all burn in hell. Dogs. Mother Fkers. STOP PUSHING THE BLAME TO ME. AND EVERYTHING ACCUSE ME. AND EVERYTHING KP ME. THEN PUNISH ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDNT DO. FUCK THIS FKING SHIT. FKING ASSHOLES. FKING UNIT. FKING SHIT. MAKE US GO MANDAI CAMP THEN DUMP THE FUCK US THERE. FKING CHOA CHUA KANG INTERCHANGE AH? FK UR MOM LA NAHBEH. HOW THE FUCK I GO HOME FROM THERE U FKING MORON. USE UR BRAINS CAN ANOT FKING DOG.
Rant ended.
By a tired man.
Facebook too many spies. Boh Bian.
By a tired man.
Dam fked up.
Seriously.
How should I begin? Hmm... Lets start from the first injustice then. Operation Accusation. Live round lost = Man's fault. Coz commanders are confirm in the right whereas man is always in the wrong. Why u nvr check? U gonna sign alot of extras. Fk off. Did u check? No way in hell. I didn't even touch the fking mag. Bitch. So blame the man then. Everything also my fault lor. I go DB sua. :) CCB. Fking Dogs.
Second injustice. PSP case. Fk la. How the fuck I know he bring PSP. Then tio taiji also my fault. Fking Dog.
Third injustice. Ya la no need sign extra. Like real. CCB in the end still need serve right. Fk. Betrayed by ex-school mate no.1
Fourth injustice. I plan u fking leng duty. Fk ur mom. 7 hrs in a row with no lunch call leng? CCB u might as well stab me in the front mother fker. Betrayed by ex-school mate no.2
Aiya. No matter what, Commanders = Leaders. Man = Losers. Kena fked by Commanders = Man deserve it. Everything just push to the Man la. Fk all of u man. CCB. Hope u all burn in hell. Dogs. Mother Fkers. STOP PUSHING THE BLAME TO ME. AND EVERYTHING ACCUSE ME. AND EVERYTHING KP ME. THEN PUNISH ME FOR SOMETHING I DIDNT DO. FUCK THIS FKING SHIT. FKING ASSHOLES. FKING UNIT. FKING SHIT. MAKE US GO MANDAI CAMP THEN DUMP THE FUCK US THERE. FKING CHOA CHUA KANG INTERCHANGE AH? FK UR MOM LA NAHBEH. HOW THE FUCK I GO HOME FROM THERE U FKING MORON. USE UR BRAINS CAN ANOT FKING DOG.
Rant ended.
By a tired man.
Facebook too many spies. Boh Bian.
Monday, 5 September 2011
A Lonely Man
Been a while its sad to say;
Yet again Im on my way...
Memories flow back yesterday;
Am I a fool, here I lay,
On a stone hard rocky bay...
Pondering to myself the dreams I had;
Or so it seems, reality's pretty bad...
A lonely man can never be so sad;
Twisted thoughts will make him mad...
He walks again on the lonely road;
Resembling a loathesome grouchy toad...
He curses and swears at his miserable existence;
A lifelong of regret and filthy resentment...
He will never live to see;
A image re-created deep beneath the seas...
From the memories,
of just
a simple
and rather
lonely
man...
Yet again Im on my way...
Memories flow back yesterday;
Am I a fool, here I lay,
On a stone hard rocky bay...
Pondering to myself the dreams I had;
Or so it seems, reality's pretty bad...
A lonely man can never be so sad;
Twisted thoughts will make him mad...
He walks again on the lonely road;
Resembling a loathesome grouchy toad...
He curses and swears at his miserable existence;
A lifelong of regret and filthy resentment...
He will never live to see;
A image re-created deep beneath the seas...
From the memories,
of just
a simple
and rather
lonely
man...
Friday, 6 May 2011
There was a man (Finale)
The man stopped thinking,
when he picked up his phone;
he knew it was over,
he was such a buffoon..
The consequences was unintended,
his meaning was misapprehended..
There was never a right nor wrong,
only a simple fool penning his song..
A song of his journey,
ups and downs;
writing his misery,
in blue, black and brown...
Okay the last phrase doesn't makes sense. But it still has to rhyme. I guess. I am currently still in a state of shock after seeing that much sms-es at one go from a single person. I guess my point is that I have absolutely no intention of making u cry because obviously why would I want that to happen if all I do is encourage u all the time.. And u are not a bad girl. Definitely. I for sure am and is a bad person. For I made a girl who sincerely care for me cry because of what I wrote. Those were my honest opinions at that point of time because whatever I write is the truth and only the truth because, I hate to lie. I can't deny the fact that I was not sad or hurt but yet I do not want u to suffer the pain that I went through because it seriously sucks. Actually I want to show u something.
(No Subject)
15/2/2009 Chun How Poh
From: paladebaba@hotmail.com
Saved: 15 February 2009 08: 17AM
To:
Hey. I bet that u are wondering why am I writing this email to you. The truth is, I have liked u for a very long time. Everytime I see ur smile it just touches me. Lately this feeling instead has been torturing me instead. Thus, the series of events have happened. Be it the isolation or the whatever crap. Finally I tell myself today. Enough is Enough. I have been sad for a very long time and in a way I will break down very soon. I just wanna confess that I like you. But from today onwards, I will stop liking u because I think it puts u off anyway. I hope that we can still be friends though. I just hope that the awkwardness or the cold feeling towards me will totally vanish. I dun want to hate the world anymore..
From your Friend always, Sha Zi.
I actually wanted to send u this email 2 years ago.. But I remembered something happen halfway so I didnt send it in the end. I then became the weird person who stopped talking to girls until recently I guess. Maybe it became a trauma or what but I dunno. The point of me showing u this email is that it has always been a burden on my mind because maybe this email will seriously scare u off and we might not ever talk again. Yet I feel that it I do not get this off my chest I will always live with a regret. The point of this entire entry is that. I really do not hate u. Nor have I deserved anything worthy. Yes. Me. Not U. of making u cry. I just wanna say that maybe at the end of the day I have really have just gone through what everybody elses' is experiencing. It is simply life I guess. Life is not always a bed of roses I guess. But seems that Im just really allergic to roses thats all.
Haha. Just don't need to feel guilty. Or Sad. Because then that is the very reason that I am sad. To see a person who care for me feeling down. I guess maybe this is really the very last time that we might really be conversing cause I know the situation's abit awkward. But I just wanna say that no matter how long time has passed, there are some things in life that lingers on no matter how hard u try to forget...
By Chun How..
(Or for the last time..ShaZi)
when he picked up his phone;
he knew it was over,
he was such a buffoon..
The consequences was unintended,
his meaning was misapprehended..
There was never a right nor wrong,
only a simple fool penning his song..
A song of his journey,
ups and downs;
writing his misery,
in blue, black and brown...
Okay the last phrase doesn't makes sense. But it still has to rhyme. I guess. I am currently still in a state of shock after seeing that much sms-es at one go from a single person. I guess my point is that I have absolutely no intention of making u cry because obviously why would I want that to happen if all I do is encourage u all the time.. And u are not a bad girl. Definitely. I for sure am and is a bad person. For I made a girl who sincerely care for me cry because of what I wrote. Those were my honest opinions at that point of time because whatever I write is the truth and only the truth because, I hate to lie. I can't deny the fact that I was not sad or hurt but yet I do not want u to suffer the pain that I went through because it seriously sucks. Actually I want to show u something.
(No Subject)
15/2/2009 Chun How Poh
From: paladebaba@hotmail.com
Saved: 15 February 2009 08: 17AM
To:
Hey. I bet that u are wondering why am I writing this email to you. The truth is, I have liked u for a very long time. Everytime I see ur smile it just touches me. Lately this feeling instead has been torturing me instead. Thus, the series of events have happened. Be it the isolation or the whatever crap. Finally I tell myself today. Enough is Enough. I have been sad for a very long time and in a way I will break down very soon. I just wanna confess that I like you. But from today onwards, I will stop liking u because I think it puts u off anyway. I hope that we can still be friends though. I just hope that the awkwardness or the cold feeling towards me will totally vanish. I dun want to hate the world anymore..
From your Friend always, Sha Zi.
I actually wanted to send u this email 2 years ago.. But I remembered something happen halfway so I didnt send it in the end. I then became the weird person who stopped talking to girls until recently I guess. Maybe it became a trauma or what but I dunno. The point of me showing u this email is that it has always been a burden on my mind because maybe this email will seriously scare u off and we might not ever talk again. Yet I feel that it I do not get this off my chest I will always live with a regret. The point of this entire entry is that. I really do not hate u. Nor have I deserved anything worthy. Yes. Me. Not U. of making u cry. I just wanna say that maybe at the end of the day I have really have just gone through what everybody elses' is experiencing. It is simply life I guess. Life is not always a bed of roses I guess. But seems that Im just really allergic to roses thats all.
Haha. Just don't need to feel guilty. Or Sad. Because then that is the very reason that I am sad. To see a person who care for me feeling down. I guess maybe this is really the very last time that we might really be conversing cause I know the situation's abit awkward. But I just wanna say that no matter how long time has passed, there are some things in life that lingers on no matter how hard u try to forget...
By Chun How..
(Or for the last time..ShaZi)
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
There was a man (III)
As time goes by.
the sorrow dies..
Within the man resides,
a whole new hatred;
for the girl of his dreams,
has long been faded..
The man has grown,
hiding his sad frown;
an aura of toughness surrounds him
for his nation awaits his regime..
The time has come,
for him to serve;
2 years of horror,
gets on his nerve..
The man has often try so hard,
never appreciated; always exasperated,
his efforts shattered, shard to shard..
The broken pieces can never mend,
as he often curse and swear;
crushed and never being able to fend,
from the accursed evil lair...
fuck. my standard drop liao. fucking army's fault. BOOKIN LIAO LO!!! NTU psychology or NUS FASS sia... Last time I was here I was fking worrying about A levels. Turns out A levels period was kind of the best period of my life. Sian...
the sorrow dies..
Within the man resides,
a whole new hatred;
for the girl of his dreams,
has long been faded..
The man has grown,
hiding his sad frown;
an aura of toughness surrounds him
for his nation awaits his regime..
The time has come,
for him to serve;
2 years of horror,
gets on his nerve..
The man has often try so hard,
never appreciated; always exasperated,
his efforts shattered, shard to shard..
The broken pieces can never mend,
as he often curse and swear;
crushed and never being able to fend,
from the accursed evil lair...
fuck. my standard drop liao. fucking army's fault. BOOKIN LIAO LO!!! NTU psychology or NUS FASS sia... Last time I was here I was fking worrying about A levels. Turns out A levels period was kind of the best period of my life. Sian...
Monday, 1 November 2010
There was a man (Cont'd)
There was a man...
Sad man no more;
Frustrated to the core,
fucked by stress
his life suppress.
He longs to know
his life re-told
will he be a better soul...
He remember once
someone said
that life is like
a roses bed.
Glamorous on the outside
or so it seems
everyone aspires to lie within.
Yet the ugly truth
remains untold;
because within...
where life unfold,
thorns so sharp
they cut u whole.
Ur flesh may seem to hurt a lil'
but deep down inside
a tormented soul,
his mind is broken
and his heart
has stopped.
Sad man no more;
Frustrated to the core,
fucked by stress
his life suppress.
He longs to know
his life re-told
will he be a better soul...
He remember once
someone said
that life is like
a roses bed.
Glamorous on the outside
or so it seems
everyone aspires to lie within.
Yet the ugly truth
remains untold;
because within...
where life unfold,
thorns so sharp
they cut u whole.
Ur flesh may seem to hurt a lil'
but deep down inside
a tormented soul,
his mind is broken
and his heart
has stopped.
Thursday, 28 October 2010
There was a man.
There was a man.
A sad sad man.
His life was sad.
Pretty darn sad.
But all will change
as time goes by.
He sees a girl,
a pretty girl.
Pretty Specs. Pretty tall.
Pretty cute. But that was all.
Pity the man.
For he's a fool.
You never know what a man can do
Faced with fear. and stress. and pressure.
Hah! He will be rejected.
For the man.
is simply
just a man.
A really sad man.
But...
just a man.
He knows the truth.
Reality bites.
Sad to say,
He's far too shy.
Under the cold complexion
lies a fragile heart.
He will never let his heart be shattered
because...
he can never
ever
recover...
A fonding heart
withers.
All's left is hate.
Anger. Frustration.
Bitterness...
lingers...
in...
the man.
To Be Cont'd...
A sad sad man.
His life was sad.
Pretty darn sad.
But all will change
as time goes by.
He sees a girl,
a pretty girl.
Pretty Specs. Pretty tall.
Pretty cute. But that was all.
Pity the man.
For he's a fool.
You never know what a man can do
Faced with fear. and stress. and pressure.
Hah! He will be rejected.
For the man.
is simply
just a man.
A really sad man.
But...
just a man.
He knows the truth.
Reality bites.
Sad to say,
He's far too shy.
Under the cold complexion
lies a fragile heart.
He will never let his heart be shattered
because...
he can never
ever
recover...
A fonding heart
withers.
All's left is hate.
Anger. Frustration.
Bitterness...
lingers...
in...
the man.
To Be Cont'd...
Monday, 25 October 2010
Concentration Confusion Compassion...
It just gets fucking boring. Even though I've planned out my schedule for the day, morning maths, afternoon h1, evening econs. Its fking 5 now and Im done with a single math paper 1. I feel like I'm corroding inside. Eating and eating like a mad fuck is all I do. Trying hard to concentrate but all I do is waste away time... fucking shit...
Water, sinks or floats a boat.
Fire, gives and destroys life.
Gold, is the root of all evil = solution to extreme poverty.
Earth, is our home yet we destroy it.
Trees, oxygenates our environment yet we burn them.
Flip a coin, u will find two sides. With cause comes effect. With actions come consequences. Butterfly Effect. Scares the shit out of me. But I gotta focus. Or my future will certainly turn into a awful sight...
Water, sinks or floats a boat.
Fire, gives and destroys life.
Gold, is the root of all evil = solution to extreme poverty.
Earth, is our home yet we destroy it.
Trees, oxygenates our environment yet we burn them.
Flip a coin, u will find two sides. With cause comes effect. With actions come consequences. Butterfly Effect. Scares the shit out of me. But I gotta focus. Or my future will certainly turn into a awful sight...
Friday, 22 October 2010
Last Day of Tpjc.
3 years.. It has been a long road.. Every now and then I often think to myself, what if I had made a different choice in my past...
Friend or Foe, Glee or Woe;
thy passion that resides within,
fades away like sand to wind.
A familiar sight I would enquire
leaves my heart filled with desire.
Love breaks, Love makes, Love creates;
leaves me shattered filled with hate.
Remorse fills this lonely mind,
why can't time just re-wind...
I think decisions dictates a person's life. We are too often a victim of fate... I have tried so hard to be awaken from this miserable existence that I'm so bonded to that I have forgotten the purity and innocence of life without burdens. I hate my life now. Yet I fear for my future... Because all I see in front of me is a dim light that gets darker and darker as time goes by. Love has made me a disbeliever because people are realistic. They like what they see and they hate to see what they like. Life is just a simple struggle. Fuck.
Friend or Foe, Glee or Woe;
thy passion that resides within,
fades away like sand to wind.
A familiar sight I would enquire
leaves my heart filled with desire.
Love breaks, Love makes, Love creates;
leaves me shattered filled with hate.
Remorse fills this lonely mind,
why can't time just re-wind...
I think decisions dictates a person's life. We are too often a victim of fate... I have tried so hard to be awaken from this miserable existence that I'm so bonded to that I have forgotten the purity and innocence of life without burdens. I hate my life now. Yet I fear for my future... Because all I see in front of me is a dim light that gets darker and darker as time goes by. Love has made me a disbeliever because people are realistic. They like what they see and they hate to see what they like. Life is just a simple struggle. Fuck.
Saturday, 16 October 2010
I miss the sophisticated Me.
Hmm... I was browsing through my works recently and I saw this particular story that I really liked. Here it goes...
The Queen's Royal Throne
Hey. My name is Rarcks. Erm. How shall I put it... If you are reading this, that means Im dead... Well, don't be sad. Or pretend to be. You hardly know me in the first place anyways... Hmm.. Unless you want to get to know more about me? Are u sure? Then the story begins...
I was born in the castle of Alexandar VII. Alexander VII was the king of the land of Weeping Valley. As the name proposes, the entire country was barred from laughing. Sorrow was their only form of entertainment. Why, u asked me? How would I know? Well. Except for the king that is.. Or my existence would be redundant in the first place. I am, and proud to be, the Royal Jester of the land. Well, I wasn't born a Jester. Nobody's born to be anyone. It is the circumstances that imposes the significant of the role upon u. I was raised in the castle at first to be one of the servants. Everyday was cleaning and sweeping and cleaning and sweeping and cleaning and sweeping for me. Life was dull as hell. That's when I met Flora, the daughter of Alexander VII and heiress-to-be of the land of Weeping Valley. Now that's when the story gets interesting..
Flora was the most elegant person that I have ever seen in my entire life. Yet there was this aura of despair around her that chills my spine even to this day when I recalled about it. Well, as every commoner was banned from showing a smile, even the servants of the castle was no exception. Having faced the bitterness of everybody's faces her entire life, she was only drawn into the depths of a void in her emotions as each day passes. Finally, she became completely soul-less and her existence completely annihilated.. That was when I have decided. I want to be the first person to see her laughter. I want to make her smile, just once... Even at the sake of my life there will be no regrets... I want to be the Royal Jester! It is my goal... my destiny... To bring her back to life I shall succeed!
The path to become the Royal Jester was a tedious and dangerous road. How dangerous can it get? It was the freaking medieval times for god's sake! People kill each other just for fun! Alright? I did everything I could in my power to obtain this job.. Bribed nearly the entire low-class to middle-class population living in the castle. Well. I was born without a penny to my name. So what could I possibly offer them? My services. I ran errands for them.. Jobs that nearly cost me my life. But I have absolutely no regrets. Pulled strings with the right people and VIOLA! I was officially branded the Royal Jester of Weeping Valley.. Deeply drained within and fatigue was already a thing of the past, the excessive numbness that exhilarates my brain, I walked on down to the path of no return...
Every week, the king would summon me down to watch my performance. To Alexander VII, the authority and power to be the only person in his kingdom to laugh was deem as omnipotent. My job was sacred.. If even once he failed to exhibit his "power" before his people, the consequences would be severely dire.. I had to make him laugh at all costs. But I was a natural. Goofiness was in my blood and everything I did was hilarious. The hall remained silent thruout the whole performance each time as any person who dares to even show signs of a grin will be executed on the spot, implicating not himself but also his relatives and friends as shame will be cast upon them like a person's shadow to himself. But the only reason I was performing each time was only for a single reason.. To draw out Flora's lovely smile... I tried harder and harder each time as I perform, using every single bit of my talent but to no avail... To this day, counting from the first week I have started, I had caused the death of over 100 innocent civilians. But I couldn't care less... I was getting desperate...
As the occupation span for each Royal Jester was 3 years, the time for my last performance has arrived even quicker than I had expected. Before the day of the performance itself, I secretly observed Princess Flora for an entire day... I concealed myself in various spots that I am confident of though there were a few times when I was nearly caught... She was just doing her daily routine of inspecting the commoners, having afternoon teas and just being beautiful... I gave up. At that moment I realised to myself. This was not worth my effort anymore... I could not bear myself to look at another innocent civilian being executed because of me.. The victim's families will just lash out in torment and pain, as if being compressed emotionally for a very long time, they can only express themselves through misery and sorrow... Just then, I saw something miraculous. Princess Flora smiled. I feared for her life as the King shows no mercy, even to people that were dear to him... Luckily, she was all alone in the bottom dungeon. I knew what I had to do...
The next day, I stride on to the performing hall filled with confidence. Facing the entire audience in the open area of the city's square, I started my usual opening acts of the imitations of various animal sounds and then I went on the main act. I recited this poem as merrily as I could...
Oh yeah, sorry for this anti-climax part. Erm. I was wondering if u all thought that the Royal Jester was spared from laughing? Well, only during his performances was he exempted from all charges as it is all deem as part of the ritual itself. Okay. All doubts cleared. Back to the story...
"I've long to see your jovial smile
so big so bright so revived
but yet you always look so vile
so sad so dispirit so deprived...
One Day I look thru the stormy oceans
Deep and down and dark thru potions
Enter the gloomy dungeon I see
A magical miracle that made me gee"
"Flora, I've long to see your smile. I realised how long it has been since the first day I've met you. But yet I have never told you this before. Ahem. Let me clear my voice. Flora, will you be my friend?"
Princess Flora smiled gently at me and nodded. Exactly what happened that day as I hid in my corner was that I saw her beam warmly at two kittens rolling and fighting over a fur ball. Then it all struck me. She was lonely. She didn't care if she was a princess or not. After all these years of facing the dull atmosphere she has already forgotten the joy she should have had... She was a healthy living being...
But then I realised immediately that she was in trouble. I pleaded with the King and told him to take my life instead of hers... The King hesitated... Deep down within this crazy old fool he loved his daughter very much and she was the world to him... He was not ready to give her up just yet... I was banished to the depths of the dungeon and there I shall be awaiting for my sentence before the King himself make any decisions.
I waited and I waited... Time flies slowly inside the dungeon as there was no one to accompany you but the four mossy and ragged walls that surrounds... I started talking to rocks to pass away time.. I gave them names... It felt like eternity... By the time I was released, 2 years have already passed. Turns out that the King was so worried for his daughter and stress out at making a verdict that he was bed-stricken and ill-struck for the past 2 years. He finally died and his daughter took over his throne as Queen Flora VIII. To live up to her father's will and to make up for her weakness in the past, she made the decision to execute me in the end... I was given two days of grace to do whatever I could so that I will pass on with absolutely no regrets. I just simply smiled at her and told her this...
"I've had no regrets on the day I saw your smile. :)"
I ran off abruptly and threw myself into the bottomless well at the side of the castle. The last thing I heard was screams and shouts all over the place. Sigh... Why can't they leave me alone even though I am here awaiting my death? Then I felt something drop onto me. It wasn't heavy... It was kinda light... It was really light... Like a feather or something... I look up above...
Flora was tearing... Drops of tears shine like crystal on her cheek as the sun reflects upon me. But. She was also smiling... :) I ponder to myself. Was that sympathy? How can she be so sad when she was the very person who condemn me to hell... I was just a foolish Jester all along...
I realised that actually I do have the potential to be a novelist. I like writing. Letting my imagination flows as I imprint my ideas into words is like expressing a realistic side of me that is relatively strange to the real world. I hope that perhaps after the A levels I could reinvigorate this passion of mine, get a few views by readers that appreciate my work. Until then... Hmm... See u guys in 2 months!!!
The Queen's Royal Throne
Hey. My name is Rarcks. Erm. How shall I put it... If you are reading this, that means Im dead... Well, don't be sad. Or pretend to be. You hardly know me in the first place anyways... Hmm.. Unless you want to get to know more about me? Are u sure? Then the story begins...
I was born in the castle of Alexandar VII. Alexander VII was the king of the land of Weeping Valley. As the name proposes, the entire country was barred from laughing. Sorrow was their only form of entertainment. Why, u asked me? How would I know? Well. Except for the king that is.. Or my existence would be redundant in the first place. I am, and proud to be, the Royal Jester of the land. Well, I wasn't born a Jester. Nobody's born to be anyone. It is the circumstances that imposes the significant of the role upon u. I was raised in the castle at first to be one of the servants. Everyday was cleaning and sweeping and cleaning and sweeping and cleaning and sweeping for me. Life was dull as hell. That's when I met Flora, the daughter of Alexander VII and heiress-to-be of the land of Weeping Valley. Now that's when the story gets interesting..
Flora was the most elegant person that I have ever seen in my entire life. Yet there was this aura of despair around her that chills my spine even to this day when I recalled about it. Well, as every commoner was banned from showing a smile, even the servants of the castle was no exception. Having faced the bitterness of everybody's faces her entire life, she was only drawn into the depths of a void in her emotions as each day passes. Finally, she became completely soul-less and her existence completely annihilated.. That was when I have decided. I want to be the first person to see her laughter. I want to make her smile, just once... Even at the sake of my life there will be no regrets... I want to be the Royal Jester! It is my goal... my destiny... To bring her back to life I shall succeed!
The path to become the Royal Jester was a tedious and dangerous road. How dangerous can it get? It was the freaking medieval times for god's sake! People kill each other just for fun! Alright? I did everything I could in my power to obtain this job.. Bribed nearly the entire low-class to middle-class population living in the castle. Well. I was born without a penny to my name. So what could I possibly offer them? My services. I ran errands for them.. Jobs that nearly cost me my life. But I have absolutely no regrets. Pulled strings with the right people and VIOLA! I was officially branded the Royal Jester of Weeping Valley.. Deeply drained within and fatigue was already a thing of the past, the excessive numbness that exhilarates my brain, I walked on down to the path of no return...
Every week, the king would summon me down to watch my performance. To Alexander VII, the authority and power to be the only person in his kingdom to laugh was deem as omnipotent. My job was sacred.. If even once he failed to exhibit his "power" before his people, the consequences would be severely dire.. I had to make him laugh at all costs. But I was a natural. Goofiness was in my blood and everything I did was hilarious. The hall remained silent thruout the whole performance each time as any person who dares to even show signs of a grin will be executed on the spot, implicating not himself but also his relatives and friends as shame will be cast upon them like a person's shadow to himself. But the only reason I was performing each time was only for a single reason.. To draw out Flora's lovely smile... I tried harder and harder each time as I perform, using every single bit of my talent but to no avail... To this day, counting from the first week I have started, I had caused the death of over 100 innocent civilians. But I couldn't care less... I was getting desperate...
As the occupation span for each Royal Jester was 3 years, the time for my last performance has arrived even quicker than I had expected. Before the day of the performance itself, I secretly observed Princess Flora for an entire day... I concealed myself in various spots that I am confident of though there were a few times when I was nearly caught... She was just doing her daily routine of inspecting the commoners, having afternoon teas and just being beautiful... I gave up. At that moment I realised to myself. This was not worth my effort anymore... I could not bear myself to look at another innocent civilian being executed because of me.. The victim's families will just lash out in torment and pain, as if being compressed emotionally for a very long time, they can only express themselves through misery and sorrow... Just then, I saw something miraculous. Princess Flora smiled. I feared for her life as the King shows no mercy, even to people that were dear to him... Luckily, she was all alone in the bottom dungeon. I knew what I had to do...
The next day, I stride on to the performing hall filled with confidence. Facing the entire audience in the open area of the city's square, I started my usual opening acts of the imitations of various animal sounds and then I went on the main act. I recited this poem as merrily as I could...
Oh yeah, sorry for this anti-climax part. Erm. I was wondering if u all thought that the Royal Jester was spared from laughing? Well, only during his performances was he exempted from all charges as it is all deem as part of the ritual itself. Okay. All doubts cleared. Back to the story...
"I've long to see your jovial smile
so big so bright so revived
but yet you always look so vile
so sad so dispirit so deprived...
One Day I look thru the stormy oceans
Deep and down and dark thru potions
Enter the gloomy dungeon I see
A magical miracle that made me gee"
"Flora, I've long to see your smile. I realised how long it has been since the first day I've met you. But yet I have never told you this before. Ahem. Let me clear my voice. Flora, will you be my friend?"
Princess Flora smiled gently at me and nodded. Exactly what happened that day as I hid in my corner was that I saw her beam warmly at two kittens rolling and fighting over a fur ball. Then it all struck me. She was lonely. She didn't care if she was a princess or not. After all these years of facing the dull atmosphere she has already forgotten the joy she should have had... She was a healthy living being...
But then I realised immediately that she was in trouble. I pleaded with the King and told him to take my life instead of hers... The King hesitated... Deep down within this crazy old fool he loved his daughter very much and she was the world to him... He was not ready to give her up just yet... I was banished to the depths of the dungeon and there I shall be awaiting for my sentence before the King himself make any decisions.
I waited and I waited... Time flies slowly inside the dungeon as there was no one to accompany you but the four mossy and ragged walls that surrounds... I started talking to rocks to pass away time.. I gave them names... It felt like eternity... By the time I was released, 2 years have already passed. Turns out that the King was so worried for his daughter and stress out at making a verdict that he was bed-stricken and ill-struck for the past 2 years. He finally died and his daughter took over his throne as Queen Flora VIII. To live up to her father's will and to make up for her weakness in the past, she made the decision to execute me in the end... I was given two days of grace to do whatever I could so that I will pass on with absolutely no regrets. I just simply smiled at her and told her this...
"I've had no regrets on the day I saw your smile. :)"
I ran off abruptly and threw myself into the bottomless well at the side of the castle. The last thing I heard was screams and shouts all over the place. Sigh... Why can't they leave me alone even though I am here awaiting my death? Then I felt something drop onto me. It wasn't heavy... It was kinda light... It was really light... Like a feather or something... I look up above...
Flora was tearing... Drops of tears shine like crystal on her cheek as the sun reflects upon me. But. She was also smiling... :) I ponder to myself. Was that sympathy? How can she be so sad when she was the very person who condemn me to hell... I was just a foolish Jester all along...
I realised that actually I do have the potential to be a novelist. I like writing. Letting my imagination flows as I imprint my ideas into words is like expressing a realistic side of me that is relatively strange to the real world. I hope that perhaps after the A levels I could reinvigorate this passion of mine, get a few views by readers that appreciate my work. Until then... Hmm... See u guys in 2 months!!!
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Dejected Crushed Destroyed
Hai. I hate my life now. Studies should be my top priority currently. Yet I don't feel like, and don't really give a shit about it. Thinking considerably hard about my future, I feel that I don't really have to go to a good university or get considerably good grades to really advance in life. I mean, like my passion aint in studying. Even though my talents may really be limited, I think I can still live life simply by getting a basic job to make ends meet. Do I really have to force myself to do something I dislike? Yet on a further notice, I really do enjoy studying sometimes. Its just that my attention span is as long as it can ever be. Around approximately 5 mins. On a better day it can reach a 6. If a miracle happens a 8 is the maximum it can ever goes. I need a goal. To focus really hard on. I used to have a goal. Yet as the days go by, the objective of the goal drifts further and further away from me. Laugh at me all you want but I just wanna live a simple life and work really really hard to give the person I love the best. And only the best. That's why I look really forward to doing well in my education. To get a white-collared job. Preferably FedEx. I like their uniforms. But I don't wanna get abandon by a dog. So most likely I'll be a typical engineer in some small developing firm that has the prospective outlook of growing into a multi-national company in the future. Then I'll be like a pioneer member. The founding members of XXX company. If it was up to me, I'll call it Famile. The e has to be with a slanted dash. Kinda like Italian. To make it classy and stuff. Most importantly, it rhymes with family. Awww how heartwarming. But that was in the past. Now Im just a godforsaken person who practically lives a life of misery. Kinda like drifting on the streets. Like the homeless. SA2. Fuck. Seriously Im getting really pissed off man. If I hadn't retain 2years back, I'll probably be serving my nation now. And I could have gotten decent grades, since I'll be under the influence of my good friends who study every freaking day. Now, I rarely even studied for 5 FKING mins. Per Week. Im screwed. Can I retain twice? 4 years in JC. WTF. I'll be like the oldest student there. Ok maybe not. Coz I know a JC1 whos like 21 years old. Freaking awesome man. But with my matured looks, I think I'll be dam retarded if I stayed on for 4 years. Life's a bitch. I think after secondary school life in VS I have been regretting every single decision I have made since then. Seems like they are all bad choices. Like the O levels. I should have persisted during the last week. BUT NO. I just had to play stupid computer games. Then I forgot everything I did in the past 6 months. I got a L1R5 of 17. Fuck. First bad decision. Second bad decision was most likely NOT STUDYING AT ALL FOR MY FIRST PROMO EXAMS. ok. Fucked up again. Third bad decision.. Hmmm.. ok.. falling out with nearly the entire class of 08s26. But then again, it wasn't exactly my fault. But fuck it, who cares anyways. I know for sure they certainly don't. I most certainly wasn't the person who initiated the cold war in the first place. Speaking of cold wars, my entire life is totally based on it. Like being really close friends but all of a sudden because of a misunderstanding that is most likely unresolvable until either party gives in, i will certainly not talk to that person ever again. Like for the rest of my life. Unless like a period of a few years and things ain't that awkward between us again. But then again, a few of my closest friends currently have gone through the cold war stage. i think our friendship endured the freaking cold war and we bonded even closer after that. But for girls, I don't know whether thats the case. Seems like every single freaking girl hates me to the core if she decides not to talk to me again. Like a certain G person. What the hell is her problem seriously man. I'm totally cool with us not talking but then again she has to come and irritate me with shit. yea bitch. one day u gonna pay. I dun mind u annoying me. But I will never forget the incident where u tore up my best "girl" friend's relation with me. Fuck man. Thinking of that gives me a pain in my heart. IT HURTS. I think she freaking hates me now. Not the G bitch. I don't give a shit. But HER. Sian. Wonder when will our relationship get any better. The year's ending soon and I don't wanna have regrets for the rest of my life. But still the same old phrase. Im not worthy.. of her beauty... Sha Zi
Tuesday, 25 May 2010
A Brand New Me. The Devil.
Today, I did something unbelieveable. I... hurt a girl. Like physically. I threw a wet piece of toilet paper at her with all my strength. I... have injured her. Remorse may be all I feel right now, yet at the moment all I feel was the exhilarating adrenaline rush to my head. I was actually intensely excited then. Actually, I don't feel so bad. Coz I don't give a fuck. Yet, this struck me immensely. Is this who I have become? When people used to misunderstand me, I will tell myself. "They don't know me at all" Looking at things the way they are now, I don't think I am fit to be able to clear my name. Coz I have turned into what they have shape me to be. A delinquent. All I wanted at the start, was just a single person's understanding. After tons of misunderstanding between us, I have gradually found trust to be distasteful. I trusted no one. Nop. Not even her. Not anymore. Things have changed. This is just life. I have been twisted. Corrupted into my current state. I don't know what is right or what is wrong anymore. I can only bury my sorrows. Deep. Deep down my heart. In a bottomless pit. Hopefully to vanquish the existance of pain. No matter how hard I try to hide, it will always be there. I know its there. Coz it pierces me every single day. Yet I don't feel it anymore. Know why? Coz Im already numb. Numb of trust. Numb of love. Numb of sorrow. My friends have left me. Joined the army. I miss them. LIKE HELL. Im so lonely. Each night, I feel like crying. Sobbing. Coz Im weak. No one can understand my pain. 3 years. Its a long wait. From a person who is perhaps, shy and quiet, to this ignorant fool that I am today. I am no longer alive. I died on that day. February 6th 2009. I will always remember that day. The day I got fucked. Maybe its coz i don't care anymore. Or maybe its just that I pretend to not to care. If I were to get hurt a second time, I don't know how can I bear the pain. The pain of a thousand knives slicing through your heart. Honestly, I have cried. Not once. Not twice. But several times. For You. Yet my tears have dried up, under this whole pretense of a tough delinquent. I am just a sad person... who needs to be free... ShaZi
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