It still hurts.

5 years has passed alr.. Recently I've been thinking alot. What went wrong. How come my life has to be like this. Simple words can affect me so much. Anberlin's inevitable recently reconnects with me alot. With lyrics like "I wanna be ur last first kiss", "I wanna break every clock, the hands of time could never move again...", " We could stay in this moment for the rest of our lives...","Amazing how life turns out the way that it does...". Maybe there wasn't even anything in the first place. It was all a one-sided affair. I hope to get re-assurance that maybe I wasn't just being such a fool for even having such thoughts. I thought that since it's been so long, the feeling will gradually fade out... But all I can feel now is such deep regret and a sadness that overwhelms me. I was never a confident one in feelings. I know my own flaws. I think maybe I even turn off girls... But I tried... I really tried. But nothing seems to help. Maybe even nobody obstructed us, she wasn't even willing in the first place. O, what a fool I have been. Even though I would like to think like this, I can think recall the memories that we had. Nothing much or exciting. Just simple stuff like maybe talking after school or the walk to the bus stop at tamp int. But still, the tingling feeling has just relived in me. Even though she denies or no confirmation has been made, I know she's already someone elses'. I can only smile and ignorance is my best friend. But still, I have always hope for a miracle. Maybe all along all I can trust is God up there to help me. But reality often proves to be just a whole different thing totally. I don't wanna affect anyone seriously but in the end the person who gets affected the most is often myself. I overthink things, I re-trace my steps, I just can't seem to get things right. But this is just me, plain and simple me. Now that she's really going to be gone, I just can't seem to really accept that. No matter how I may try to avoid her, at least there will be occasions that we meet. But still, once she's gone this time round, maybe it will be years before I even get a glimpse of her. I use to say that all I want is to see a simple smile from her. I thought I had forgotten totally about this already. Yet yesterday I seem to understand why I had this feelings before. Often she would glance at me for several moments, but our eyes could never connect. Because she know's it is not right to give me false hope anymore. Or that's what I think. Honestly for myself, I don't even know what I want anymore. I thought I have already move past this stage of my life. I thought I had already let go of whatever memories that have haunt me in the past. But I was wrong. All along I have only just suppressed my feelings deep within me. As time goes by, the feeling may seem to fade but actually it is just building up gradually and my subconcious seems to be able to explode anytime. Maybe I'm just a fool. But at least a fool, can pen down his thoughts on such a platform and vent out his feeling. I feel that it's alright being a fool....


Enjoy the song. Maybe for the last time. ShaZi sincerely.

Anberlin - Inevitable