There was a man (Cont'd)

There was a man...


Sad man no more;


Frustrated to the core,


fucked by stress


his life suppress.


He longs to know


his life re-told


will he be a better soul...


He remember once


someone said


that life is like


a roses bed.


Glamorous on the outside


or so it seems


everyone aspires to lie within.


Yet the ugly truth


remains untold;


because within...


where life unfold,


thorns so sharp


they cut u whole.


Ur flesh may seem to hurt a lil'


but deep down inside


a tormented soul,


his mind is broken


and his heart















has stopped.

There was a man.

There was a man.


A sad sad man.


His life was sad.


Pretty darn sad.


But all will change


as time goes by.


He sees a girl,


a pretty girl.


Pretty Specs. Pretty tall.


Pretty cute. But that was all.


Pity the man.


For he's a fool.


You never know what a man can do


Faced with fear. and stress. and pressure.


Hah! He will be rejected.


For the man.


is simply


just a man.


A really sad man.


But...


just a man.


He knows the truth.


Reality bites.


Sad to say,


He's far too shy.


Under the cold complexion


lies a fragile heart.


He will never let his heart be shattered


because...


he can never


ever


recover...


A fonding heart


withers.


All's left is hate.


Anger. Frustration.


Bitterness...


lingers...


in...


the man.



To Be Cont'd...

Concentration Confusion Compassion...

It just gets fucking boring. Even though I've planned out my schedule for the day, morning maths, afternoon h1, evening econs. Its fking 5 now and Im done with a single math paper 1. I feel like I'm corroding inside. Eating and eating like a mad fuck is all I do. Trying hard to concentrate but all I do is waste away time... fucking shit...

Water, sinks or floats a boat.

Fire, gives and destroys life.

Gold, is the root of all evil = solution to extreme poverty.

Earth, is our home yet we destroy it.

Trees, oxygenates our environment yet we burn them.

Flip a coin, u will find two sides. With cause comes effect. With actions come consequences. Butterfly Effect. Scares the shit out of me. But I gotta focus. Or my future will certainly turn into a awful sight...

Last Day of Tpjc.

3 years.. It has been a long road.. Every now and then I often think to myself, what if I had made a different choice in my past...

Friend or Foe, Glee or Woe;
thy passion that resides within,
fades away like sand to wind.
A familiar sight I would enquire
leaves my heart filled with desire.
Love breaks, Love makes, Love creates;
leaves me shattered filled with hate.
Remorse fills this lonely mind,
why can't time just re-wind...

I think decisions dictates a person's life. We are too often a victim of fate... I have tried so hard to be awaken from this miserable existence that I'm so bonded to that I have forgotten the purity and innocence of life without burdens. I hate my life now. Yet I fear for my future... Because all I see in front of me is a dim light that gets darker and darker as time goes by. Love has made me a disbeliever because people are realistic. They like what they see and they hate to see what they like. Life is just a simple struggle. Fuck.

I miss the sophisticated Me.

Hmm... I was browsing through my works recently and I saw this particular story that I really liked. Here it goes...

The Queen's Royal Throne

Hey. My name is Rarcks. Erm. How shall I put it... If you are reading this, that means Im dead... Well, don't be sad. Or pretend to be. You hardly know me in the first place anyways... Hmm.. Unless you want to get to know more about me? Are u sure? Then the story begins...

I was born in the castle of Alexandar VII. Alexander VII was the king of the land of Weeping Valley. As the name proposes, the entire country was barred from laughing. Sorrow was their only form of entertainment. Why, u asked me? How would I know? Well. Except for the king that is.. Or my existence would be redundant in the first place. I am, and proud to be, the Royal Jester of the land. Well, I wasn't born a Jester. Nobody's born to be anyone. It is the circumstances that imposes the significant of the role upon u. I was raised in the castle at first to be one of the servants. Everyday was cleaning and sweeping and cleaning and sweeping and cleaning and sweeping for me. Life was dull as hell. That's when I met Flora, the daughter of Alexander VII and heiress-to-be of the land of Weeping Valley. Now that's when the story gets interesting..

Flora was the most elegant person that I have ever seen in my entire life. Yet there was this aura of despair around her that chills my spine even to this day when I recalled about it. Well, as every commoner was banned from showing a smile, even the servants of the castle was no exception. Having faced the bitterness of everybody's faces her entire life, she was only drawn into the depths of a void in her emotions as each day passes. Finally, she became completely soul-less and her existence completely annihilated.. That was when I have decided. I want to be the first person to see her laughter. I want to make her smile, just once... Even at the sake of my life there will be no regrets... I want to be the Royal Jester! It is my goal... my destiny... To bring her back to life I shall succeed!

The path to become the Royal Jester was a tedious and dangerous road. How dangerous can it get? It was the freaking medieval times for god's sake! People kill each other just for fun! Alright? I did everything I could in my power to obtain this job.. Bribed nearly the entire low-class to middle-class population living in the castle. Well. I was born without a penny to my name. So what could I possibly offer them? My services. I ran errands for them.. Jobs that nearly cost me my life. But I have absolutely no regrets. Pulled strings with the right people and VIOLA! I was officially branded the Royal Jester of Weeping Valley.. Deeply drained within and fatigue was already a thing of the past, the excessive numbness that exhilarates my brain, I walked on down to the path of no return...

Every week, the king would summon me down to watch my performance. To Alexander VII, the authority and power to be the only person in his kingdom to laugh was deem as omnipotent. My job was sacred.. If even once he failed to exhibit his "power" before his people, the consequences would be severely dire.. I had to make him laugh at all costs. But I was a natural. Goofiness was in my blood and everything I did was hilarious. The hall remained silent thruout the whole performance each time as any person who dares to even show signs of a grin will be executed on the spot, implicating not himself but also his relatives and friends as shame will be cast upon them like a person's shadow to himself. But the only reason I was performing each time was only for a single reason.. To draw out Flora's lovely smile... I tried harder and harder each time as I perform, using every single bit of my talent but to no avail... To this day, counting from the first week I have started, I had caused the death of over 100 innocent civilians. But I couldn't care less... I was getting desperate...

As the occupation span for each Royal Jester was 3 years, the time for my last performance has arrived even quicker than I had expected. Before the day of the performance itself, I secretly observed Princess Flora for an entire day... I concealed myself in various spots that I am confident of though there were a few times when I was nearly caught... She was just doing her daily routine of inspecting the commoners, having afternoon teas and just being beautiful... I gave up. At that moment I realised to myself. This was not worth my effort anymore... I could not bear myself to look at another innocent civilian being executed because of me.. The victim's families will just lash out in torment and pain, as if being compressed emotionally for a very long time, they can only express themselves through misery and sorrow... Just then, I saw something miraculous. Princess Flora smiled. I feared for her life as the King shows no mercy, even to people that were dear to him... Luckily, she was all alone in the bottom dungeon. I knew what I had to do...

The next day, I stride on to the performing hall filled with confidence. Facing the entire audience in the open area of the city's square, I started my usual opening acts of the imitations of various animal sounds and then I went on the main act. I recited this poem as merrily as I could...

Oh yeah, sorry for this anti-climax part. Erm. I was wondering if u all thought that the Royal Jester was spared from laughing? Well, only during his performances was he exempted from all charges as it is all deem as part of the ritual itself. Okay. All doubts cleared. Back to the story...

"I've long to see your jovial smile
so big so bright so revived
but yet you always look so vile
so sad so dispirit so deprived...

One Day I look thru the stormy oceans
Deep and down and dark thru potions
Enter the gloomy dungeon I see
A magical miracle that made me gee"

"Flora, I've long to see your smile. I realised how long it has been since the first day I've met you. But yet I have never told you this before. Ahem. Let me clear my voice. Flora, will you be my friend?"

Princess Flora smiled gently at me and nodded. Exactly what happened that day as I hid in my corner was that I saw her beam warmly at two kittens rolling and fighting over a fur ball. Then it all struck me. She was lonely. She didn't care if she was a princess or not. After all these years of facing the dull atmosphere she has already forgotten the joy she should have had... She was a healthy living being...
But then I realised immediately that she was in trouble. I pleaded with the King and told him to take my life instead of hers... The King hesitated... Deep down within this crazy old fool he loved his daughter very much and she was the world to him... He was not ready to give her up just yet... I was banished to the depths of the dungeon and there I shall be awaiting for my sentence before the King himself make any decisions.

I waited and I waited... Time flies slowly inside the dungeon as there was no one to accompany you but the four mossy and ragged walls that surrounds... I started talking to rocks to pass away time.. I gave them names... It felt like eternity... By the time I was released, 2 years have already passed. Turns out that the King was so worried for his daughter and stress out at making a verdict that he was bed-stricken and ill-struck for the past 2 years. He finally died and his daughter took over his throne as Queen Flora VIII. To live up to her father's will and to make up for her weakness in the past, she made the decision to execute me in the end... I was given two days of grace to do whatever I could so that I will pass on with absolutely no regrets. I just simply smiled at her and told her this...



"I've had no regrets on the day I saw your smile. :)"



I ran off abruptly and threw myself into the bottomless well at the side of the castle. The last thing I heard was screams and shouts all over the place. Sigh... Why can't they leave me alone even though I am here awaiting my death? Then I felt something drop onto me. It wasn't heavy... It was kinda light... It was really light... Like a feather or something... I look up above...

Flora was tearing... Drops of tears shine like crystal on her cheek as the sun reflects upon me. But. She was also smiling... :) I ponder to myself. Was that sympathy? How can she be so sad when she was the very person who condemn me to hell... I was just a foolish Jester all along...





I realised that actually I do have the potential to be a novelist. I like writing. Letting my imagination flows as I imprint my ideas into words is like expressing a realistic side of me that is relatively strange to the real world. I hope that perhaps after the A levels I could reinvigorate this passion of mine, get a few views by readers that appreciate my work. Until then... Hmm... See u guys in 2 months!!!

Dejected Crushed Destroyed

Hai. I hate my life now. Studies should be my top priority currently. Yet I don't feel like, and don't really give a shit about it. Thinking considerably hard about my future, I feel that I don't really have to go to a good university or get considerably good grades to really advance in life. I mean, like my passion aint in studying. Even though my talents may really be limited, I think I can still live life simply by getting a basic job to make ends meet. Do I really have to force myself to do something I dislike? Yet on a further notice, I really do enjoy studying sometimes. Its just that my attention span is as long as it can ever be. Around approximately 5 mins. On a better day it can reach a 6. If a miracle happens a 8 is the maximum it can ever goes. I need a goal. To focus really hard on. I used to have a goal. Yet as the days go by, the objective of the goal drifts further and further away from me. Laugh at me all you want but I just wanna live a simple life and work really really hard to give the person I love the best. And only the best. That's why I look really forward to doing well in my education. To get a white-collared job. Preferably FedEx. I like their uniforms. But I don't wanna get abandon by a dog. So most likely I'll be a typical engineer in some small developing firm that has the prospective outlook of growing into a multi-national company in the future. Then I'll be like a pioneer member. The founding members of XXX company. If it was up to me, I'll call it Famile. The e has to be with a slanted dash. Kinda like Italian. To make it classy and stuff. Most importantly, it rhymes with family. Awww how heartwarming. But that was in the past. Now Im just a godforsaken person who practically lives a life of misery. Kinda like drifting on the streets. Like the homeless. SA2. Fuck. Seriously Im getting really pissed off man. If I hadn't retain 2years back, I'll probably be serving my nation now. And I could have gotten decent grades, since I'll be under the influence of my good friends who study every freaking day. Now, I rarely even studied for 5 FKING mins. Per Week. Im screwed. Can I retain twice? 4 years in JC. WTF. I'll be like the oldest student there. Ok maybe not. Coz I know a JC1 whos like 21 years old. Freaking awesome man. But with my matured looks, I think I'll be dam retarded if I stayed on for 4 years. Life's a bitch. I think after secondary school life in VS I have been regretting every single decision I have made since then. Seems like they are all bad choices. Like the O levels. I should have persisted during the last week. BUT NO. I just had to play stupid computer games. Then I forgot everything I did in the past 6 months. I got a L1R5 of 17. Fuck. First bad decision. Second bad decision was most likely NOT STUDYING AT ALL FOR MY FIRST PROMO EXAMS. ok. Fucked up again. Third bad decision.. Hmmm.. ok.. falling out with nearly the entire class of 08s26. But then again, it wasn't exactly my fault. But fuck it, who cares anyways. I know for sure they certainly don't. I most certainly wasn't the person who initiated the cold war in the first place. Speaking of cold wars, my entire life is totally based on it. Like being really close friends but all of a sudden because of a misunderstanding that is most likely unresolvable until either party gives in, i will certainly not talk to that person ever again. Like for the rest of my life. Unless like a period of a few years and things ain't that awkward between us again. But then again, a few of my closest friends currently have gone through the cold war stage. i think our friendship endured the freaking cold war and we bonded even closer after that. But for girls, I don't know whether thats the case. Seems like every single freaking girl hates me to the core if she decides not to talk to me again. Like a certain G person. What the hell is her problem seriously man. I'm totally cool with us not talking but then again she has to come and irritate me with shit. yea bitch. one day u gonna pay. I dun mind u annoying me. But I will never forget the incident where u tore up my best "girl" friend's relation with me. Fuck man. Thinking of that gives me a pain in my heart. IT HURTS. I think she freaking hates me now. Not the G bitch. I don't give a shit. But HER. Sian. Wonder when will our relationship get any better. The year's ending soon and I don't wanna have regrets for the rest of my life. But still the same old phrase. Im not worthy.. of her beauty... Sha Zi

A Brand New Me. The Devil.

Today, I did something unbelieveable. I... hurt a girl. Like physically. I threw a wet piece of toilet paper at her with all my strength. I... have injured her. Remorse may be all I feel right now, yet at the moment all I feel was the exhilarating adrenaline rush to my head. I was actually intensely excited then. Actually, I don't feel so bad. Coz I don't give a fuck. Yet, this struck me immensely. Is this who I have become? When people used to misunderstand me, I will tell myself. "They don't know me at all" Looking at things the way they are now, I don't think I am fit to be able to clear my name. Coz I have turned into what they have shape me to be. A delinquent. All I wanted at the start, was just a single person's understanding. After tons of misunderstanding between us, I have gradually found trust to be distasteful. I trusted no one. Nop. Not even her. Not anymore. Things have changed. This is just life. I have been twisted. Corrupted into my current state. I don't know what is right or what is wrong anymore. I can only bury my sorrows. Deep. Deep down my heart. In a bottomless pit. Hopefully to vanquish the existance of pain. No matter how hard I try to hide, it will always be there. I know its there. Coz it pierces me every single day. Yet I don't feel it anymore. Know why? Coz Im already numb. Numb of trust. Numb of love. Numb of sorrow. My friends have left me. Joined the army. I miss them. LIKE HELL. Im so lonely. Each night, I feel like crying. Sobbing. Coz Im weak. No one can understand my pain. 3 years. Its a long wait. From a person who is perhaps, shy and quiet, to this ignorant fool that I am today. I am no longer alive. I died on that day. February 6th 2009. I will always remember that day. The day I got fucked. Maybe its coz i don't care anymore. Or maybe its just that I pretend to not to care. If I were to get hurt a second time, I don't know how can I bear the pain. The pain of a thousand knives slicing through your heart. Honestly, I have cried. Not once. Not twice. But several times. For You. Yet my tears have dried up, under this whole pretense of a tough delinquent. I am just a sad person... who needs to be free... ShaZi