Life

2014

Its 2014. Time flew past me as if I was a dust particle dealt mercilessly by the stormy seasons; the harsh reality of my insignificance in this world struck me where it hurts the most. My heart? Nope. The reminiscent of physical pain is but an indulgence in the past, when I could actually feel something in this fragile organ that has long been broken and scattered by circumstances. My soul? I guess so. If the spiritual contentment of an insatiable desire to leave this godforsaken place I once called a home could actually be more than just a dream. My ambitions? Sad to say, at this exact moment, I have none. I used to have visions for the future. A happy life. A simple life. And at the very least a fulfilling life. My life is torture. I do not know why. But I am definitely unhappy. Unhappy about what? Actually I do not know. The complexity of the situation currently is that I am stuck in a system of life that is confined to me the moment I am born. I am blessed to have a complete family. But I am not blessed to love, or be loved. My parents have treated me well. I am in their debt. But do I love them? I do not know. Am I willing to die for them? Some people may call me heartless. But I trust myself to be as candid as possible. In the future that I have pictured in my dreams, they were certainly not included. But will I cry when they die? Definitely. Maybe I do love them after all. As they say love cannot be explained or justified through simple reasoning and words are definitely lacking in this aspect. Yet late at night when there is no one but my conscience and my consciousness accompanying me I have no answer to this rhetorical question. I can lie to the world, but I cannot lie to myself. A corny line from a typical movie scene depicts the emotional roller coaster residing within me. My sisters have been nothing but a pain since I could remember. Love is an understatement. So is hate. The period of hatred has already passed several years ago and emotional-wise I am deprived of feeling anything at all towards them. Occasionally the hatred resurfaces when the intention to deliberately attack me due to their lack of self-restraint on being decent human beings. However I have learned to let it pass as I can understand that they are just typical spoilt Singaporean girls. Don't get me wrong, some Singaporean girls are still plenty nice but they are the collection of all the vices that is possible in this world. Materialistic, overly-opinionated, lack of respect for themselves and for others, assertive that they belong to a certain class of human beings and therefore looks down on numerous types of people, and the list goes on till the depths of hell. Maybe I'm being plenty subjective. Maybe I should be the one being judged instead. But yet, how can one be judged if one has already lost the will to defend thyself? Honesty is the best policy, if only you are living in a world filled with rainbows and unicorn. Surrounded by liars everywhere in this world, honesty is never the policy as it never amounts to anything. An honest opinion is like a bottle cap whereas people are like the bottle. Nobody likes being screwed in the face...