Memories From A Hopeless Heart. Second Encounter.

Memorable Incident 1 - Sister Trauma

When I was young, I had a considerably good relationship with my younger sister. I used to love to pinch her cheeks cause she was cute. My elder sister instead was a total bitch. Selfish her entire life. She influenced my younger sister to hate me as she gradually grew older and now I have nearly close to zero whatsoever interactions with both my sisters. Kinda like strangers living in the same house. Only tied by blood. But I was a bad brother. I cheated my sister alot of times and at times of rage hit her with intense amounts of force. I have always had a hard time containing my anger because I am not one to suffer in silence; I will burst and resort to drastic actions as proven at certain parts of my life. But she had done worse to me. To sum it up, I don't really know how but one day, things will change...

Memorable Incident 2 - Lonely Me

I used to be a miserable existence. I often stay at home the whole day just thinking of what to eat for breakfast, lunch and then dinner. Then I will start thinking of what to eat the next door. I have a fear of eating alone at public areas, yet when I do stuff like going off to play LAN alone at the moment I felt like I was having fun but when I look back at myself; I feel horribly sad for myself for being happy at for the simplest moments in life. The television was my best friend and I practically watched hours of retarded shows just to pass time.

I stopped writing because I just felt sad for myself. Like really really sad.

The Fateful Five...

It has been a fateful five years... To be honest, five years ago I didn't think that my life will end up this way. Another five years ago, ten years back to be exact I certainly didn't think that this is the life that I wanted for myself. Since I was young, I was actually a very shy and timid person. I was extremely low in my self esteem to the point that even eating in a public place alone prove to be a very challenging task. When I was 12, I was hurt. By a group of kids I regarded as my friends. Looking back I don't think that they really meant it. Maybe I myself was the one in fault. But one guy certainly betrayed my trust. In order to gain the affection of another certain classmate, this guy hacked into my email and started flirting with the girl I shall name X. As time goes by, my reputation is the class has inevitably gone bad to the point that I had a feeling that I was ostracised. I only found out about this matter five years later, which was 17. By then everything was too late already. I couldn't clear my name and the guy got off scot-free. But I sincerely think now, at 22 that it doesn't really matter, even though five years back I was livid. Maybe even if the guy didn't hack my email, it won't really affect the outcome as I will just be a Hi-Bye friend. A stepping stone as some will say or simply a familiar stranger in my classmates' lives. Then there was 17. For the first time then, I thought to myself. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I started accumulating talents. Dancing. Basketball. Singing. All of my passion just burst out, as if being suppressed for the previous five years as I was too shy to even try to attempt. I practise hard. I slim down in the process. I thought everything was going well. But atlas god has played a cruel joke on me. The more I try to chase after my dreams, my nightmare caught up with me instead. I started experiencing hair loss problems. Even my face was scarred badly by acne problems previously. When I was 12, I had a tuition classmate. She was a girl. She actually commented that I was good looking. That was actually a pretty happy moment in my life and I remember it even to this day. And then five years later I was going completely opposite in the direction that I was so composed on. These five years was simply hell for me. I was insulted, humiliated, even broken to the point that I just felt like smashing my face into the wall. I hated myself. I just want to scream so loud. People will be thinking up to this point that there will be a turning point in my life. Well, I also wanted my life to be a freaking fairytale. But reality smacks me deep in the face. If there's a god I will like to give a shout out to him. Why me? I know there are people in the world worse off than me but seriously, I don't want to give a fuck. Because honestly I am fucked. I had chances to actually experience love but I blew it. Because of the lack of confidence in me and afraid of being afraid of being judged, I bottled up all my feelings inside of me. Never was a day that went past without me just wanting to explode into a million pieces due to the overdue compressed emotions stomached within me. There were actually days when I wake up and I felt truly and terribly lonely. I had dreams, where I was just happily in love, happily doing my usual routines, happily being just a happy person. But that will never happen. I am condemned.I don't want to admit it. I refuse to acknowledged it. But I am just fucked. I hope the next entry that I write to myself to read will show that whatever I write now is just a spontaneous rant that will fade away for days to come. If not, I just want to say, F M L.