The Fateful Five...

It has been a fateful five years... To be honest, five years ago I didn't think that my life will end up this way. Another five years ago, ten years back to be exact I certainly didn't think that this is the life that I wanted for myself. Since I was young, I was actually a very shy and timid person. I was extremely low in my self esteem to the point that even eating in a public place alone prove to be a very challenging task. When I was 12, I was hurt. By a group of kids I regarded as my friends. Looking back I don't think that they really meant it. Maybe I myself was the one in fault. But one guy certainly betrayed my trust. In order to gain the affection of another certain classmate, this guy hacked into my email and started flirting with the girl I shall name X. As time goes by, my reputation is the class has inevitably gone bad to the point that I had a feeling that I was ostracised. I only found out about this matter five years later, which was 17. By then everything was too late already. I couldn't clear my name and the guy got off scot-free. But I sincerely think now, at 22 that it doesn't really matter, even though five years back I was livid. Maybe even if the guy didn't hack my email, it won't really affect the outcome as I will just be a Hi-Bye friend. A stepping stone as some will say or simply a familiar stranger in my classmates' lives. Then there was 17. For the first time then, I thought to myself. I want to be liked. I want to be loved. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I started accumulating talents. Dancing. Basketball. Singing. All of my passion just burst out, as if being suppressed for the previous five years as I was too shy to even try to attempt. I practise hard. I slim down in the process. I thought everything was going well. But atlas god has played a cruel joke on me. The more I try to chase after my dreams, my nightmare caught up with me instead. I started experiencing hair loss problems. Even my face was scarred badly by acne problems previously. When I was 12, I had a tuition classmate. She was a girl. She actually commented that I was good looking. That was actually a pretty happy moment in my life and I remember it even to this day. And then five years later I was going completely opposite in the direction that I was so composed on. These five years was simply hell for me. I was insulted, humiliated, even broken to the point that I just felt like smashing my face into the wall. I hated myself. I just want to scream so loud. People will be thinking up to this point that there will be a turning point in my life. Well, I also wanted my life to be a freaking fairytale. But reality smacks me deep in the face. If there's a god I will like to give a shout out to him. Why me? I know there are people in the world worse off than me but seriously, I don't want to give a fuck. Because honestly I am fucked. I had chances to actually experience love but I blew it. Because of the lack of confidence in me and afraid of being afraid of being judged, I bottled up all my feelings inside of me. Never was a day that went past without me just wanting to explode into a million pieces due to the overdue compressed emotions stomached within me. There were actually days when I wake up and I felt truly and terribly lonely. I had dreams, where I was just happily in love, happily doing my usual routines, happily being just a happy person. But that will never happen. I am condemned.I don't want to admit it. I refuse to acknowledged it. But I am just fucked. I hope the next entry that I write to myself to read will show that whatever I write now is just a spontaneous rant that will fade away for days to come. If not, I just want to say, F M L.